What the Fuck did I just watch?
I clicked the video link and as it loaded I'm thinking "why doesn't this compute?". Seriously, this is confusing.
Here we have a group of socially uncomfortable looking dudes in handmedown clothes and seemingly bored faces just absolutely murdering this fucking song. It's shimmering and delicate and intricate and complicatedly simple to enjoy. Yet, what the Fuck am I looking at?
I get it now though, I'm looking at one of the new bands I get to stalk, BECAUSE THEY SOUND AMAZING AND THEY DON'T EVEN ACT LIKE THEY KNOW THEY'RE AMAZING.
Which is a trait I've come to enjoy since we started SYFFAL. The assholes who act like they're awesome? 20% awesome rate. The assholes who act like they have no idea they're awesome? 47% awesome rate.
Inthemorning (and the track Tundra) are blowing my fragile asshole of a brain right now.
She's gone bros.
I lost her.
No, I'm not talking about my wifepiece, or my dog, or my Meemaw. I'm talking about my external hard drive. The place where all of my hopes and dreams were stored. The place where all of the music that gets submitted goes to be organized before I get down to brass tax and write about the shit. The place where I've been keeping my steadily inflating music collection for the past decade.
The place where I had been storing my family pictures and videos of my kids naked bobsledding out of my wife's birth canal luge.
Thankfully I saw this coming and saved those family pictures, but everything else?
No, I haven't had the same hard drive for 10 years, but I've been quite organized (or so I...
Qwazaar & Batsauce.
Jesus balls on a 2006 Olympics commemorative sweater completely covered in 2006 Olympics pins, I love Qwazaar dude. He used to have this non-stop bullet fast cadence that was backed with his own special blend of confident emphasis, but he's matured into this half rapped/half sung type shit that's just as comfortable as it is smooth as Fuck.
Reach feels like it's just the tip too. I bet the entire Stress Changers EP is pantsoff danceoff.
I'll just take these off now then bros, I got chafe city goin' on down drr.
Tim Baker also goes by le rap name Alaska. I was friends with him for about two years on the internet before finding out he was the ACTUAL Alaska rapper guy that I had listened to and cyber stalked before his rap group sucked.
It's weird having famous hip hop friends, because as much as I trusted him, he still looked at me like I was a cockeyed fanboy with my hat on backwards. So it took a few months of acting like I didn't care that we were going to become besties to become besties. The disinterest and yawning I performed in front of him via the internet made him want to be my bestie just as much as I was hiding wanting to be his bestie.
It somehow ended up that I was the top and he was the bottom for the majority of our first three years as best bros.
Fortunately he still has his rappings and I still have my quilting and tomato plants on my balcony overlooking the rest of the psych ward.
Wanna hear my besty fucking MURDER the final episode of our first season of Sweet Sixteen?
I recently sat down with this formerly fat bag of cat hair to talk all sorts of messes:
SYFFAL (Joel): You were picked as the last guy to drop a Sweet Sixteen in Season 1 of the series, why do you think you were given such a huge responsibility? I'm sure we can both agree that it isn't related to the amount of talent you claim to have on the microphone, as a rapper, but it could possibly be related to the butterfly, which you have seemed to perfect with your jangly ass motherFuckin' knees yo.
Alaska: I am not sure why I was the last one, probably because I am one of 3 rappers that is in my 40s and a responsible adult (there are plenty of rappers in their 40s but they are all fucking children bro), so it took me forever to get up to Mitch's house to record this shit. Plus I had to wait until it was seasonably cool enough to dress like an LL Bean model bro. I will say this about the last episode of this season...THE CLIFF HANGER IS INSANE BRO! Think Lost fucking Breaking Bad while Jax from Sons of Anarchy is yelling at MOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!! Because she walked in on him tugging it.
SYFFAL: Out of all of the Sweet Sixteeners that came before you, whose must do you most relate to? I was going to say Bender of Masai, but then again I'm a newly admitted Masai fanboy (PEEP THIS SWEET CALF TATTOO OF HIM BRO).
Alaska: I really like Gorilla Tao. That fucker is one of my favorite up and coming rappers. He is on my new album and I want to punch the shit out of him for being better in his one verse than I have been in my whole career. Plus he flips the bill of his hat up and rides skateboards. He is totally the Mike Muir of Pig Food Records.
SYFFAL: After this drops will you pronounce strength as strenf and math as maff?
Alaska: I never stopped doing that bro, it is the way I am. Though I have been seeing a speech therapist so I can say ask like ax. As a person dedicated to taking my craft to the next level I feel it is important to explore all avenues of expression bro.
SYFFAL: Seeing as you own property in Hudson, NY, and you own many many birds, is it safe to assume you're forever alone?
Alaska: I love Hudson. The best part about it is having a backyard that is fenced in and not concrete. It is so hard to have outside naked time in Brooklyn.
SYFFAL: Who are some of your rap influe- Wait, nevermind no one gives a Fuck. What pizza spot video games inspired your performance here today bro?
Alaska: For me it was always the original Punch Out and Karate Champ. That was my shit back in the day. I used to ride my back down to Septembre's and drop mega quarters on that bitch bro. I used to play Paperboy a lot too. You know this whole verse is about sliding past the fence on the obstacle course to get that bonus bonus bro.
SYFFAL: Do you think it a wise career move to keep quitting and coming out of retirement and retiring and then unquitting? Don't you think we're just all under the assumption that you're bi-ploar as Fuck and desperate for pizza?
SYFFAL: I don't think its safe to assume anything, but I will say this. I am not unretired, because I will never worry about making a career out of rap again. I fucking hate rappers, I hate people, and I hate Dannon bottled water. When you are a professional rapper those are three things you have to deal with on the reg. I am more like the guy that builds model schooners inside of bottles, except in my case the bottle is rapping and the schooner is my penis.
SYFFAL: I love you Timbo Laskaface. I wish you success in all of your endeavors, except for the rap music, because you've already retired on me three times and I don't think I can take the emotional broller brocoaster anymore bro.
Alaska: Thanks bro. Your eyes inspire me to grow hair in places I didn't know could grow hair.
Go head. And be sure to peep the bros of Sweet Sixteen's past too bro, don't be a dick.
Programming Note: This is the last installment of Sweet 16 for 2013. We will be back in 2014 with new and exciting episodes. Have a great holiday season and New Year's bro bro.
Haxsaw & Dugin confuse the helllll out of me. One year it's just creepy shit they be droppin, then the next year they drop songs about dicks that are not only hilarious, but actually in my 2013 best tracks playlist. So the dichotomy of creepy to penis is a bumpy road (herpes humor).
SYFFAL is once again flabbergasted at the vast amount of music these guys make, and while we don't always latch on to everything they drop, I C U WALL is the super imposed beach scene to my subconscious bro, and me likes bro. Me likes.
If you've ever wondered what Haxsaw & Dugin actually look like, well, keep wondering muthafucker, because this new video does nothing to quench that thirstz.