One Song

I was once considered a member of Stone Cold Fox. But something happened that one fateful night, and all I really remember is waking up the following morning with a bowl of canned Dole pineapples on my naked chest and a single tic tac resting on my urethra.  But that... That was a long time ago. ANYWHOOOOOO I love how on the new jam "Contagion", Stone Cold Fox sounds like a vulnerable Queens of the Stone Age playing Arctic Monkeys for a Halloween party. The fact that they keep changing their finishing move means I get to re-introduce myself to these assholes every time they drop something fresh. Stone Cold Fox might have just convinced me to consider tightening my jeans and investing in that horizontally striped henly I've been...

Normally artists with only two available singles still have a shitload of work to do before their music gets talked about on the internets. Either they put in the fucking work or they're somebody's cousin or sibling and people are sucking them off because they want the cousin or sibling to notice them. Thankfully, no one cares about our opinions besides each other (and there's only four of us contributing now, so our circle jerk sessions mean we can see into each other's eyes the reflection of ourselves masturbating), because I was just shut the fuck up by the song "Memories" from Andrea Silva. With a whisper-sing sung over a silently lofi'd yet shimmering hifi beat, Silva takes the elegant and makes it somehow pulse. I love how the rhythm is...

AUDEGO feel like friends to me. Every single time I receive an email from these fuckers I'm reminded of how much I love their loose-kneed whisper pleading and electro-thwap pop shits.  Their latest single "Side Effects" takes that aforementioned 'loose-kneed whisper pleading over electro-thwap pop shits' and gives it a little peek up the skirt. With as bare as this track seems, it's amazing how the vocals alone and then stacked form the tick-tick-tick-swirls into something resembling a foundation. At the 2:30 mark I've leapt out of my jorts and continued with the juke vogue I've been performing in my mind and inspired a new generation of white people with as much fucking style as me bros. If you don't love this band as much as I do, you've been trying too hard to...

One of our favorite production duos and fine cheese connoisseurs, Morbidly-O-Beats and Hoot are gutter$nipe$. Their first single is "DOUBLEBAGGED". It's like Peewee Herman jackin it in the back of a XXX short attention span theatre. Give me a moment to get the soles of my shoes unstuck from the floor and my zipper up. With each violent flip of image or ass, of somehow soulful yet sedated sample or precise partition of polyrhythmic poonanny, the track goes all Clockwork Orange on my penis sculpture. Put it over a loop of fuzzed out, scramble-porn and slow motion double dutch and you have yourself a video that I'd watch. Thanks for keeping us up on the new new, fellers.  Their debut LP, Collected Unconsciousness is out via ...

Vampires feed at night. So do pirates. And thanks god LA Cafe delivers 24 hours because so does the rap god, AsimOff. Proprietary partner in the place I party and pick brains at, Shambhala Studios, AsimOff can be found sitting comfortably at the head of the table, eating, smoking, playing FIFA while the bass humming from the afterhours party raging beneath him causes the building to rattle like Northridge circa 1994.  It's in this setting, adjacent to a gorgeous, professional, and barely one year old recording studio with its rich LA punk rock history, that AsimOff creates. With a video on the way, and track after track settling down on his Soundcloud, Mr. Off is way...

I am not currently in the shower. But I could be. This fucking track "Krusht" from Howls feels like I'm in the shower bro. Imagine dat tap water (now with 0.9ng/L or more of the finest fluoride!) slo-mo cascading down my lovely lady lumps and down the insides of my ever-taut quads, passed the bacon wrapped right leg of mine, and pooling around my fancy feast feets, the only scent in the air is the humidity, and of course the cocoa butter manwash I wash my entire man with. I love how something can immediately make me feel moist like a brownie almost instantly. "Krusht" might hit you differently, but either way, I understand why you're walking in slo-mo, because I'm doing it too. We don't have to share why bro, the knowing and slightly erotic nod betwixt...

I won't bullshit  a motherfucker, I love me some DOLLS. Every song she sings sounds like something I'd only hear in an underground sex club where everyone's flogging everyone else and everyone drinks with their pinkies extended while wearing bedazzled blindfolds and NASCAR themed leather chaps. I can almost taste the vibe this woman's splaying out in front of me and I'm not totally sure she's fucking with me because she just spelled my name using only individually plucked chest hairs from my own chest bro. The newest track in the DOLLS sexthology is "JUST STOP", and if my mastubatory assumptions are correct, she's a vampire, and she's tempting me, and she's not really connecting with me on a loin-level like I'm assuming.  SHE WANTS MY BLOOD BRO....

I love knowing I'm going to love a song even before the vocal comes in. All I was crossing was my fingers, because if the vocals sucked I was going to demand an instrumental copy of this for sensual massages after I get out of my youth group meeting. Doombird, who from what I can gather from the press release is composed of members of Tycho and Album Leaf among others, sounds like a chill balls version of Duran Duran meets Aha meets fucking Caribou, and I'm smitten. Music is supposed to sound this easy to love. Whenever this band of assholes drops an album, be certain it'll be better than you expected and better than you wanted it to be, which means the rest of your music collection is about to get ignored for awhile bros.  DO NOT MAKE THE SAD FACE. This could be 2015's...

Yesterday after I shared 'Rotten Human' with Tim and Joel for some reason we ended up talking about how shitty people can be. All people. Even you and me.  With all the shit going on in the world today, whether it be the Syrian refugees, Kim Davis, Violence, Greed, Theft, Donald Trump's hair, etc,. sometimes it's hard not to be pessimistic toward humanity. Joel summarized the shit with a good point: humantiy's biggest hurdle is fucking humanity.  Maybe the first step in making the world a better place is for all of us to look in the mirror and judge our own actions. It's human nature to have selfish tendencies but only you control that degree to how selfish you actually are. OR how much of a dick you can be. OR how much more you can give to others, whether it be support monetarily,...

Who the fuck is Conner Youngblood and why am I braiding my chesthair seductively while standing up through an open moon roof while my driver drives me down a country lane littered with husks of corn and the occasional kernel?  Is it harvest already? Why the fuck is something as seductive as "Stockholm" available in the first place? I can't be this sultry and swoony in public bro! When the harp strangs got all fingered on either side of my face, I thought my hippie sister's cell phone was ringing or some shit, but it wasn't that, it was all Conner Youngblood being all Conner Youngblood. What a dick. Your patience and desire to see me topless is as fucking offensive as the horse you rode in on being named "Glue". Someone slap this...