The Weekly Taint w/ Joel Frieders and Slug from Atmosphere - The Hospital/Tour Edition

20 years ago a young Joel Frieders and a young Slug from Atmosphere became pen pals.  To this day they still write each other once a week.  We have been fortunate enough to get our hands on these correspondences, and now you, our loyal reader gets to see what these two discuss.  It is like getting access to Bohemian Grove only with less nudity.

Hey Sean,
Sitting in a hospital waiting room. Waiting on the lil'est frieders. fucking kids man, they scare the shit out of you without even trying.

I figure while I'm waiting and wifey is playing angry birds; I'll knock out some taint questions for next week.

Safe travels on your minne-tour-ota...

SYFFAL: How often do you hug jay-bird? I've been feeling really down lately and I was reading my hello kitty journal and realized I haven’t hugged DJ Spontaneous (aka Davey mcduckface) in over two years. I believe the two facts are related ethefemerically.

Slug: Ever since it was brought to my attention that I am a very sloppy kisser, I have resorted to hugs as my main means of showing someone that I appreciate them. The upside is that I no longer get punched in the head/face/neck by friends. The downside is that no one catches my flu.

SYFFAL: When you tour, do you rent a bus or did you invest in one before the bus market crash of 2006?

Slug: Rentabus was my favorite vampire from that old TV show about the talking dog and the hippie. Since you brought it up, the little midget dog was quite the actor, but I can't find him on IMDB. I wanna solve mysteries and shit, but I'm all tired out from the drive.

SYFFAL: Do the wheels on said bus, in fact, go round and round?

Slug: Over the river and through the woods. Someone needs to invent a cooler looking bike helmet for children. These kids look like idiots. fucking clown idiot lookin' kids. There used to be a restaurant here in Minneapolis that was rumored to have thrown a private party where they served grape flavored whippits for dessert.

SYFFAL: When the driver has to piss, who holds the wheel and who holds the bottle?

Slug: Hold these nuts.

SYFFAL: Have you ever driven your own bus? Would a 6inch statuette of me in a hula skirt make an appropriate good luck charm for your bus? Have you ever shat on the bus late at night, not flushed and then been woken up by someone crying upon meeting said feces?

Slug: Industry rule number 4078: no pooping on bus. Take that shit somewhere else yo.

SYFFAL: What was the last good movie you saw?

Slug: The wifepiece and I recently went to see "The King's Speech." Prior to going, she told me it was about Don King. I was bamboozled. It was still good though. However, I firmly believe that even a cameo by Don would have changed the way people jar vegetables.

SYFFAL: That movie sucked.

Slug: Homeslice, I don't see you attempting hang-gliding anytime soon.

SYFFAL: Who is your favorite odd future rap artist and would you adopt him and lead him away from the life of a rap star?

Slug: Being from Minneapolis, the obvious answer is R. Kelly, and I'm humble enough to admit that I have nothing to teach anyone.

SYFFAL: Would you tussle his hair?

Slug: Hush cracker.

SYFFAL: Who was the last person you tussled?

Slug: I wonder if Shonen Knife still makes records. What about Luscious Jackson?

SYFFAL: Have you ever tussled yourself?

Slug: Does the pope use soap? Does a pimp limp? Does a piece of chewed meat accumulate bacteria when you leave it on a sidewalk in the summer?

SYFFAL: When you run out of tussle, if you put more water in it and shake it, what do you get?

Slug: Jerome Benton.

SYFFAL: Chicago, and most of the rest of the Midwest got pounded by almost two feet of snow last week, what does a snowprofessional such as yourself have to say to us pussies who still can't leave our homes?

Slug: Revisit the classics. Start with Superfudge, by Judy Blume.

SYFFAL: Does Ant's hair ever move?

Slug: Dude cut his hair off. Ponytail gone. I am visibly umad. So I have deleted all of the other questions that you've asked about him. Don't freak out, it's for your own safety. I'd like to take this opportunity to give a super stupid dope shout out to all my people who graduated from Washburn High class of 1990. If you have a sectioned couch at your crib, I'll sleep there. B'DDDDDDDAT STICK 'EM! HA-HA-HA STICK 'EM! Another gas face victim.