STORY OF MY LIFE - Idiots

"This winter sucked..." still constantly rings in my ear.

I think it every time the low dips below 40°... when the afternoon sky smirks a sudden sullen gray. I hear it every time I see someone I haven't seen in two weeks and a draggin' ass day. I think it and say, "Fuck!" This winter broke my truck in half. I mean yeah, it was half a piece of shit paid for, but goddamn... I smoked 2 tires, 3 windows, 2 baby trees... 2 quarter panels smashed in, 2 more rusted out, AC done... check engine light flashing "Fuck YOU" in my face through the dusty interior cracked.

The son of a bitch rode a hard lived path and died an even faster death. He's been ticketed to or fro damn near every college campus in the greater mid-west. Slept in at some, puked on at most... resided for rather questionable intervals at others. shit, sat 3 comfortably on the way home from Western Illinois University on a mysterious Daylight Savings Day... No room for ferrets, that's for sure!

"License and insurance Boy..." said the Statey, about 20 minutes due east of Macomb, IL.

Now this fuck's exactly what your mind is telling you he must have been. Atop his 2nd grade haircut rested a Canadian Mountie hat. He had on CHIPS gear and $2 AM/PM sunglasses shading shady crossed eyes, Indian chaw and a clean shave.... a double chin and knee-high plastic boots that made me say...

"Holy Fuckin' Jesus... feast your eyes on this psycho-path!"... to my buddy Joe, busy adjusting the rearview mirror in hopes of catching a better glimpse of the dip-shit that had the nerve to pull over a half-in-the-bag 22 year old, swerving, and making excellent time mind you, at 90mph thru God Country during a Sunday morning downpour.

Maybe he doesn't like Jodeci? I thought, as I turned down the blaring junior high R&B music coming from the local FM radio and peered into my own blood red eyes via the driver-side-mirror. These racists are all the same. Good thing I'm sporting a Jim Morrison t-shirt and not a 2pac ensemble... We'd be fed to the goats!

-Gulp-

Joe and I quickly fired off two Newports recently pilfered from the passed out backseat passenger's wrinkled jeans pocket, and as I rolled down my window to unleash our smokey disguise, there arose a sudden clatter from behind, a grumble and a slur...

"wHy tHe Fuck Is tHis LiGhT tAkInG sO LoNg!?!?"

Oh shit no, I thought... peering back over my shoulder in utter horror. Our awakening comrade, still reeling from devouring more hard liquor in a 48 hour span than all of WIU's most famed degenerates, had noticed an apparent lack of forward progression in his otherwise spinning and stumbling coma.

I tried to ignore the fact that despite the Statey grilling me about our velocity, my rear-passenger door was being cranked on and suddenly swung open by our struggling 3rd party, now hanging headfirst, halfway out of the vehicle and violently vomiting onto the shoulder of the freeway.

Holy Fuck, I thought... the pig's on to us for sure! Maybe I should grab his mace & hose him down... make a clean break for it! shit, we'll be somewhere in Sycamore before this idiot knows what hit him!

-Huh?-

"OH... well... Well, you see sir... I have NO idea!?" I shrugged. "Was I moving a tad fast for conditions? I guess I just lost track of speed on this beautiful pavement that you all boast out here in uh... What is this Joe? Is this.? Is this McDonough County?"

"Uhhh... uh, why yes Roy... yes, I believe it is...beautiful McDonough County, mmm hmm..."

"Indeed", I proclaimed... "home of the revered Welling-Everly Horse Barn!"

I could see thru his mirrored shades that the poor bastard didn't know what to make of this scene, hell, neither did I.

As the torrential rainfall continued to gush down the brim of his queer-bait hat, a duel ensued... A Western Illinois show down, eye to eye, scumbag to scumbag... one strange breed of white male American to another.

And after what seemed like 3 or 4 minutes, with one final deep-rooted snort of squirt-cheese-thick-snot, the copper broke gaze and hocked a mouthful of rotten tobacco juice onto what had become an absolute lake of a road.

Andy continued to puke and cuss out the back door unnoticed as Boss Hog took the long walk back towards his cruiser to run my license and insurance.

"Jesus Christ dude..." said Joe. "Get the hell in the car... that weirdo didn't even see you back there! Go back to sleep until we start to move!"

At the time Andy had a warrant and I certainly more than deserved to be charged with reckless driving and possession... we had to keep cool and keep Andy hidden like an East Side immigrant trumped up on bogus identification charges.

So what's the point of this story?

Well, for one... we got away with a warning...God must have grown tired of the begging and whiny churchgoers that hellish morning and decided to lend a helping hand to a set of good people... good citizens...

Some hours later, after a terrible right turn and the unfortunate stench of Rock Island, IL... we dropped Andy off at work, 3 hours late in real time, 4 because of the time change.

An extraordinarily ridiculous set of events took place over that weekend, shit, over most weekends in those days, the likes of which shall remain unmentioned. This little act was merely the extra firework you shoot-off the day after a 4th of July blowout... a petty Fuck around with a dimwit officer just outside of nowhere.

Still, we're lucky to be alive...

I'm glad we don't rely on that luck anymore.

Bad decisions lead to last decisions... ya know?

High times equal harder falls...

I'm proud of who we've become, and even more proud of everything we'll never be.