STORY OF MY LIFE - fucking Disgusting

I worked as a teller at West Suburban Bank when I was 19 years old. It was an easy job that paid fairly well for what was required of me, which basically included treating the customers like the assholes that they were & balancing my shit everyday.

Compared to my previous banking experience at the MUCH busier Merchants Bank, this balancing act was a cinch made even easier considering we didn't gamble with the cash on hand during downtime.

As much as I wanted to share the joys of hitting a straight flush on the river with $60-thousand vault dollars on the line, the computer system at WSB wasn't a computer at all, so we balanced our drawers & everything else in the same fashion as back when even high school dropouts understood the basics of addition & subtraction... cash in & cash out.

Unfortunately for us, we were quickly approaching the millennium and the discrepancy of arithmetic skills between my co-workers ranged from indifferent to special ed. 

One of the strangest & stupidest things that I've ever come across in my life was also an employee of West Suburban Bank. It was a ginger named Dawn. It was approximately 40 years old, 4ft tall, 4ft round at the front butt, full of string warts, grimy white patent leather flats, dandruff flakes, and all the sex appeal of a bedridden grandmother's staph infected armpit.

Dawn drove over 2 hours each way to work b/c she refused to top 30mph. She held down the safe deposit boxes, which basically meant she did nothing, yet was always on the verge of sweating through the deodorant pucks matted into her decrepit WSB polo shirts.

We never had much reason to interact with one another & rarely did, but there was this one time that I was reeling with my head pasted to the counter on an early Saturday morning, hungover and damn near drooling, when I caught the aroma of day old roadkill stew right there on top of me. By the time I could hock the tainted phlegm out of the back of my throat and find the source of this stench, I noticed Dawn giddy with joy, jumping up & down clapping like one of those Toddlers In Tiaras pigs who just won a pony.

"What the Fuck is your problem!?!?" I grumbled with teary eyes & a look of pure hatred.

"Oh my goodness gracious" she announced... "hoohoohoo (this is the laugh of the beast) hoohoohoo, it's Donny!  Donny & Marieeeeee! Playing on the radio!!! The Osmonds!  hoohoohoo  I used to have a Donny lunchbox that I brought to work everyday... hoohoohoo... and this one time, Dwayne said, "why don't you..."

By this time I had it well enough together to walk a couple of feet, and as she continued to puke words, I feverishly began to jam a Bic ballpoint pen into the contraption on the wall that was controlling the Musak until the hell echoing all around me wound down to a moaning halt.

She was horrified.

"I hope Donny's pants get caught in an escalator and a blood bath ensues!" I shouted at her as she shuffled away in tears.

Good riddance!

Later that day, right before closing time, my friend Arihana & I had the displeasure of overhearing Dawn's phone conversation with her slightly younger brother / roommate:

"No! I will not buy you candy!! Mother said we should not have any more candy for dinner until after our dentist appointment next week, so no! No I said! No more candy for you!!!"

Anyway... so yeah. I hadn't thought about any of these weird mother fuckers in years until I watched an interview with that piece of shit Mitt Romney the other day and saw that same incestual twinkle in his eye that I'd noticed in Dawn via Donny & Marie all those years back.

So what does this all mean to me now?

Well, nothing says bat-shit like the Mormon guy being the least disturbing waste of human flesh in the slithering, wretched, bigotry pageant known as this current GOP presidential race.

And it's not as if you historically vote republican that we can't be friends, but openly admit that you're in cahoots come Michelle Bachmann's inauguration & I swear to your piece of shit God that I'll put a trademark around your Fuckin' eye.

Bet.