Single White E-Mail - My Stereotypes 100 Words Per Minute

Hi Brian,

Long time no speak. Since we last spoke I have learned three things.
1. It is stupid to panic 10 days into a 162 game baseball season.
2. That I am just not as flexible as I used to be, don't ask how I found that out.
3. That the Easter Bunny is not a cheap whore like its bunny counterparts over at Playboy.

What's new with you?

Love,
Tim

Hi Tim,

New things with me: I've learned that property management people are soulless spineless pieces of shit. They should all go die. I've also learned that the homeowners they represent are cowardice men children with really bad Swazi tattoos. There is a bread of redneck here in California which evolved from our "classic" redneck from the more eastern part of the nation. Believe me when I say, growing up in Virginia, I know rednecks. But this California redneck thing is off the charts bizarre. They drive the biggest most planet fucking trucks imaginable, usually all blacked out, and they sport matching outfits to boot - black hat, black shirt, etc. I cannot tell you how much I hate these racist douche nozzles. But worst of all is that they have adopted the confederate flag as their own - here's the official story: Remember the great civil war battalion of San Diego? Yeah, they rode their donkeys out to Richmond to help put out the fires of northern aggression, and then Jefferson Davis said, " Well, I gotta say, even though I don't understand what color you guys are, is it brownish? I mean, I'm pretty sure it's not black, and you guys are riding rather peculiar horses, and the brims on those hats are quite large, it seems you came a long way to help the south, so . . . consider yourselves part of the team, here's some commemorative flags to take back with you because I'm . . . uh . . . don't tell this to anyone else, promise now . . . wait, oh how silly of me, you don't speak American any way, oh what the hay, we've lost this thing.

Anyway, one of these tool-bags is the guy that owns my house. His name is Brad and somehow that really suits him. We have been in an ongoing war over some rose bushes in the yard. Some cancer ridden lady lived here before me the last year of her life and planted a bunch of roses because she was dying and didn't have anything else to do. She devoted what I imagine were her last days to making sure they looked pretty. I (not dying, at the moment) have lots of other shit to do (because I'm not dying) and can't devote the time to really green thumb it up. I feel like Brad needs to find a Peter Sellers like character from the movie Being There. He needs to find that person because I can't live here anymore. Also, he should go die with those property management people. Even the fact that the Sox have advanced to 10-12 and the Dodgers are in a comfortable second 13-13 (in their respective divisions) brings me little joy during these dark sunny spring days. Squatters, you’re a lucky lot, go do some heroin.

TTYL,
Brian

BriBri,

Sounds like something out of Revenge of the Nerds. I suggest you create a hi-tech, well hi-tech for the 80s but lo-tech for now, robot and try to catch video of them pillow fighting in their panties.

On another note, I am not even remotely shocked that there are rednecks in California. New York has a very special brand of redneck as well. They live in Staten Island and are called guidos. While they don't listen to Skynyrd they do get upset of their girlfriends sleep with black dudes, but then again who doesn’t. AMIRITE!?!?!?

I found that if you add AMIRITE?!?!?! After any racist comment you can get away with it. I have dubbed it "The Donnington Law" after Vance Donnington, who is the biggest racist I know.

Speaking of race. Did I ever tell you that I used to wear a Malcolm X hat in my suburban wasteland of a hometown? The skinheads used to yell stuff at me. We often got into arguments about Chuck D and KRS ONE, they seemed to think Chuck D was a racist but KRS was a good one. Skinheads have weird politics man.

Tim

Timtam,

I wonder if all Islands are populated with racists. Think about it - Three Mile Island (M and M) he made that movie about how black people were racist against him for dating Kim Bassinger. That show LOST where they were all really racist, I'm sure that all happened on an island. Oh, and worst of all, Jamaica. What in the world is going on with islands? There is a great sandwich shop here called "The Hat ". My favorite pizza place in New York is called Marie Angela's. Oprah's best friend Gail eats there. It's on E. 14th and something or other. All the pizza is made on an island and the guys that work there are kinda racist because they are used to Oprah's best friends coming in there. Also, Australia is the most racist island ever, and the pizza there is not very good.

Bribro

Brianz,

I think your assumptions, or should I say facts are very accurate regarding all island people. I also think that if we learned anything from Spike Lee it is this; the more racist the Italian person, the lower the number of pictures of brothers on the walls of his pizza shoppe. I went with shoppe because it adds an element of class. See what I did there? I learned that from the British folks I used to work for. They were always throwing extra letters in things and throwing around "fag" and "cunt" in a way that made me giggle. They tricked us into thinking they are a classy bunch, but let me tell you sir, they are not. While working for said company I took one of them on as a roommate and here is what I learned:

1. All of them smell of vinegar
2. They all chain smoke and wear issay miaki perfume/cologne
3. They are all coke heads
4. They are all cat people (people who love cats, not people who turn into cats)
5. They all watch a show called Eastenders
6. You can't tell the men from the women
7. They eat squirrels and call it fish and chips
8. They mix soda and beer
9. They have two left feet
10. Their skin is covered with a thin layer of sweat that keeps them from tanning.

Tim

Timberly,

You know Tim, your manifesto/top 10 list of UK identifiers is quite remarkable. I've noticed most of them myself. Say, didn't skinheads come from the UK first, England to be specific. I heard they used to drink vinegar shakes and skank with their girlfriends all night long. One time I saw a fight (Outsider Style) between some SHARPS accompanied by vegan friends, against some white power skinheads/car mechanics in Richmond VA. It was pretty outrageous. From what I remember I think it was mostly a lot of yelling. The entire scene could have been scored by Burt Bacharach. I'm gonna take your advice and avoid all British people and also skinheads too. But I gotta ask you, if you were a fan of Elvis Hitler does that make you part skinhead or racist? Because they are one of my primary musical influences. With hits like "Ten Wheels for Jesus" and "Hot Rod to Hell", shoot, how can you not like those guys?

Brian

Hi Bri,

Sadly I am entirely unfamiliar with Elvis Hitler, but I always assumed they were the same person. They were never in the same room right? Pretty rock solid logic if you ask me, it is the only reason that we know Leslie Neilson and Kareem Abdul Jabbar are not the same person. Thanks Airplane!

Tim

Timateo,

Roger Roger, and Over Under. Familiarizing yourself with Elvis Hitler is not a bad thing. I got sent home from school for wearing an Elvis Hitler T-shirt one day. It was a picture of a skull with Elvis hair and a Hitler mustache - very cutting edge stuff. That school was so lame. The football team used to play soggy biscuit in the locker room. I won’t go into details but it involves penises. And I get in trouble for wearing a super cool T-shirt, sheesh.

Brian,

Briana Banks,

I got in trouble for kicking a teacher once, it was accidental but she had it out for me. I think Will Smith had it all wrong, parents do understand it is teachers and school administrators who do not.

Tim

Timbo King,

I kicked my Grandfather in the leg. My Dad gave me a proper talking to because of it. He was crazy with old people syndrome (My Gramps, not my Dad). Maybe Will Smith had it all right. Parents do understand, until they get old and sick and just don't understand anything. Teachers don't understand anything because they live the same day over and over.

Love,

Brian