Single White E-mail: The True Master's of the Universe

Brian,

I have the feeling that our riveting talks are changing the way people look at the world. For example after reading our posts President Barack Obama has decided to kill Bin Laden and tell the Israelis to get the Fuck back behind their 1968 border. The head of the IMF is raping hotel maids, and my wrinkle free Dockers are wrinkling.

I think we might have changed the very fabric of our existence. Tell me does this make you long for the days of opening gay super heroes like He-Man or are you comfortable with the darker and more closeted likes of the Batman?

Tim

Mary "Tim" ony,

He-Man had a girlfriend and her name was She-Ra. He also had a swagger coach named Beast Man and a boss everyone hated named Skeletor. Their company was called J.C. Penny Bounty and it was based in New Jersey. Skeletor wanted to move to Miami and both He-Man and She-Ra agreed that would not be their scene. Upon visiting the future offices in Miami on a muggy January day, both He-Man and She-Ra had the unfortunate displeasure of meeting Ram-Man, a closeted gay hairdresser from West Palm Beach who had accidentally burned off his own hair in a permanent accident. Not being able to forgive himself for this cosmetic foe-pa, he adopted a silver helmet and expanding neck to "ram" people in their genitals and disable them with his "head". It's not their fault that everyone thinks their gay. It's Ram Man's fault. Over the years He-Man action figures have made sensual love to She-Ra action figures while Ram Man action figures have looked on in confusion. And poor Skeletor, he spent a fortune on sunscreen. He did not enjoy the heat and wondered if it was Ram-Man's neck that made him ram, or his legs that made him ram, and why he never truly rammed him. All this talk of Rams is making me think about UNC Tar Heel Basketball.

Always,
Brian O'Brien

Briantology,

Sorry for the delayed response. I was mourning my love of UNC Tar Heels Basketball. I used to love those Columbia blue fuckers, now? I hate them. I hate Roy Williams. He is just to Republican, or maybe John Edwards level slimy. I can't put my finger on it, but if I did, I bet it would smell. I hate when that happens. It is how I would have felt if the Jets signed Michael Vick. I get that he is the feel good story in football right now, and served his time etc. But Fuck that dude. I have a weird morality with sports. I don’t care if you did roids, but I do care if you lied about it, unless you were part of the 2004 Red Sox, which if I was a betting man I would say 75% of the team was on Juice. Do you have any weird morality issues with sports or anything?

Tim

T-Bone

Well let's see. Dog racing is kind of mean I guess. I'm pretty sure they use the same dogs in every race and just change their numbers. The suits that Roy Williams wears are morally wrong as are his ties. I also feel strongly against referring to the Tar Heels as "Roy's Boys". Now Dean Smith was a real class act, can't say anything bad about him, and in fact people still speak quite a lot about him in Chapel Hill. But man, the one thing that really bothers me is male synchronized swimming, I mean are these guys serious?

B. Hive

Bri Bri Bri,

I made a joke with your name using that n'SYNC song. pretty clever right? But let’s get to brass tax. I am of the firm belief that Synchronized Swimming is the devils way of making ladies ovulate so he can implant them with his demon seed. It is just a theory; I don't yet have the scientific evidence to back it, other than the existence of Don Cheadle. It is my understanding that he has the mark of the beast under his intelligent smile. It is intelligent because it is made by skynet.

Tim Tim Sherooo

Master Baker,

This is all I have to say about that (refer to images). Just picked up a twelve pack of PBR and one copy of Drive Angry from the gas station. Can you believe it's already at the gas station? looks like it's going to be one hell of a Tuesday afternoon! Get it, hell of a . . . ya know cause he escapes from hell . . .

Bri C

The High Brice of Living,

That sir is comedy gold. COMEDY GOLD I TELL YAS. So yesterday I had a total Tony Danza moment. I was going out to bbq in the backyard space for our building. I decided to take the dogs with me. I went with no leash because they are usually good and we were just going down to the backyard through the basement. Shouldn’t be a problem.

As I get to the gate for the backyard I notice the front gate is also open. So does Brutus our 14 year old Boston Terrier. He runs out front and starts to shit on the side walk, at the same exact time my next door neighbor and his little kids that love the dogs are coming up the block, they start trying to pet him and since they are short they are reaching right for the poop hole and about to walk through some gross 14 year old dog shits that stinks to high heaven. As I'm trying to keep them from getting shitted up, our other neighbor who has a dog named Sandy is coming up the block from the other direction. Sandy and our 4 year old J-Pug (Japanese chin/pug hybrid) Bessie are mortal enemies. Bessie bolts down the street in full on "I'm gonna kill you mode", so I chase her down and get her wrangled and now Brutus has disappeared. I see that he has run down the block towards the front door.

I leave the BBQ stuff. (Utensils and charcoal) on the street and run up the block holding Bessie under one arm. I corral Brutus as the "Slow" lady who dates this guy in the building named Eugene is trying t talk to me. I basically ignore her and start to bring the dogs in. As we are walking in the building I see more neighbors, Jamie and Jian who are coming in with their 9 month old daughter and a shit ton of boxes. I hold the door for them and Brutus bolts again. This time into someone’s apartment. The apartment of this horrible Albanian woman who lives in a one bedroom with like 5 kids who she beats constantly. EVERYONE in the apartment starts screaming. I chase him in and the behemoth abusive mom is on the couch screaming the kids are laughing and their place stinks of holy hell. I grab Brutus and thrown him and Bessie in the elevator, which I am now riding up with Jamie and Jian, as I am ranting and raving to them, their baby becomes terrified and starts balling.

This all happened in the course of 2 minutes.

Tim

Timonster,

Wow! That sounds like an adventure. I think you might be able to make a David Spade movie out of that. I had an Irish Setter named Rusty who's dads name was Brutus. When my sister was just a little kid Rusty (he was a huge dog) would put his front legs on her shoulders and it looked like they were doing the cha cha cha. She never understood it. There's a guy up the street who has dogs breaded from Air Bud. I asked him if any of them can play basketball and he said probably not. One of them was in a Purina commercial though.

Briceline

Bri-Lashes,

Man I knew living in LA brought you into close proximity of celebs but shit, I had no idea that it was like this. Next thing you know you are going to tell me about the time you were at the Mann's Chinaman Theater and Rob Schneider pulled the popcorn trick on you. It is a god damn Sodom out there in La, La Land.

Tim-id

Timberculosis,

Sad to say that Mr. Rob Schneider did not stick his erect penis in a hole in the bottom of the popcorn tub and then offer me some. Who wants penis corn? I was attacked one drunken night in front of the Chinese theater by a Johnny Depp impostor who was dressed like the Mad Hatter when Alice in Wonderland came out. He jumped in front of me and it scared me so bad I threw up on his pants. Spider Man came over to investigate but by that time I was heading down to the H and M to stalk one of the girls that worked there. I was with a girl at the time so the stalking was probably hard to detect on everyone's behalf. After the H and M we went to get 40's and then we walked around West Hollywood to do some trannie-spotting. After that we went to the rainbow bar because I wanted to find Lemmy Kilmister. They save him a bar stool there. No one’s allowed to sit on it. He wasn't there though so I got an 8 dollar Budweiser which I preceded to spill. L.A. is a fascinating shit-hole; just ask Randy Newman, he'll tell ya.

Brimester

B. Brian Blair,

That place sounds fucking awful, though in all fairness I have enjoyed myself whenever I visited. That also might be because I was only there for a day or two and probably drunk while eating at Roscoe's. That place is a national treasure. We have a similar group that will frequent our landmarks except they aren't attention starved actors, no they are attention starved black Israelites. If you aren’t familiar with this bunch well they are wildly entertaining, specialize in making diversity minded white women from the fly over states cry, filming it and putting it on their public access show which may or may not be recorded in someone’s apartment. Their whole thing is that they are the lost tribe of Israel and god is coming back to strike down the white man and turn him into slaves, painfully tortured slaves. In college I used to smoke the pot and watch it and get all freaked out, especially because they had amazing Marvel Comics-esque artwork depicting the enslavement. It was a glorious. I haven't seen them in a while, but I always do get a chuckle when I am fortunate enough to bear witness. Especially because they dress like extras in Aladdin.

You say Timato I say Tomato

Tim,

Yes I've heard of the black Israelites. I think maybe they should take over Yonkers and make it into a "Branson, Mo." type theme town. They could have musicals and rides and ethnic foods. It would be a hit I'm sure, I mean I would go. Speaking of going, I went to Roscoe's a few weeks ago for lunch. We went to the one in West L.A. on Pico blvd. The wait was horrendous so we walked down the street. There's not much around there but we did find a little gem of a restaurant called the Soul Buffet. It's about the size of a walk in closet and everything is served to go. Hands down the best soul food I've ever had. We didn't even go back to Roscoe’s; we sat on the sidewalk and ate. Well worth the 7 hour drive in Saturday afternoon traffic. Speaking of driving, did you know the United States is on fire right now?

Brian

Brian,

I think anytime you add the word Buffet to something it automatically makes it ten times better, with the exception of the name Jimmy. I have heard about these fires, they seem to happen every summer. Apparently there this fire is on a crash course with a nuclear reactor in New Mexico. I grew up near the Indian Point Nuclear reactor which is also about 40 miles from New York City. So during the earth quake in Japan we kept hearing news stories asking "Could it happen here?" Which I guess it could if we were in a region known as the ring of fire with a history of massive earth quakes, but since we are just in a quite sleepy hamlet on the Hudson River my guess is no. I bring this up because I am willing to wager my super bowl rings that we will be flooded with a week or so of coverage asking if we have to worry about Indian Point burning down because of wild fires. And we all know how frequent they are around rivers. Speaking of wild fires, I just remembered that you have a new album out. Tell me about it.

Love,
T for 2

Tim,

Yes wildfires and yesterday I drove through one in Arkansas of all places. So why is it that we say Kansas but we say Arkansaw yet they are spelled the same with the s at the end. Later that same day I was pulled over by Arkansaw State Police. I wasn't doing anything wrong - I'm pretty sure they thought I was a Mexican. I'm thinking of suing them for racially profiling me. My theory is that the band Kansas has always pronounced it wrong and it influenced everyone in the region to say it that way. Good thing that lady who killed her kids got off on that one - I'm pretty sure that story will continue to trump nuclear fallout for a few more days, weeks, months? My 4 new songs - the first song is about Jay-Z and how he is possibly the ugliest man to have ever lived. I've heard that in the capital city of Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur, people put pictures of him on the sides of buildings and in babies’ rooms because he wards off demons and evil spirits. The second song is about Frank Gehry and his quest for silver. The third song is about a Lion Tamer I met while hiking in the mountains. The last song is about Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels. It was a love hate relationship.

Bri