Single White E-Mail - Butt-Hole-Chin and Ice Cube

Hi Brian,

It was my birthday this weekend, and though I shouldn’t expect you to know I was still broken to pieces that you did not. I did my usual birthday thing, you know, drank myself into bolivian (word to Mike Tyson), cried, went out to behind the 7-11 to choke myself while masturbating, cried while masturbating, ate some slim jims, pooped, and passed out at that bus stop for 3 days. What did you do that was so god damn important that you couldn’t be the one choking me while I masturbated?

Love,
Tim

Oh Tim,

It was my birthday two weeks ago and on a similar note you did not send me a card or say something stupid like, "How was your trip around the sun?" I did receive a 12 pack of Budweiser from a friend who is familiar with my binge drinking as she gave it to me saying, "You're going to drink all of this, aren't you". Indeed, this was the case as I sat on the beach hoping for a birthday phone call. I eventually had to settle for getting drunk by myself. Unfortunately I did not have a 7-11 nearby or I would have gone and got some nachos. I would have then stood/staggered over the cheese machine eventually moving next to the hot dog condiments putting all of them on top of the cheese. I mostly reserve this meal for Christmas, but do make exceptions here and there. Let us move on from birthdays though and talk about Battle L.A. - possibly a new classic. It's funny how a man with a butt hole chin just commands respect right of the bat. How do you get one of those?

Brian

Brian,

I have yet to see Battle: LA and probably will skip it due to my disappointment that it was actually a movie and not the news. I have always, since childhood, dreamt that LA would fall under alien attack and I don't mean illegal aliens...AMIRITE?!?! I guess it goes back to my days of worshipping Ice Cube and his luscious curls. The betrayal I felt when he cut them was just too much to deal with for a young Timster (that was the nickname I gave myself in Jr. High) so now I just dream of nightmare scenarios for a city that would break a man like Cube. I think the metaphor for this was best played out in the Batman film where there butt-hole-chinned man was finally broken by the evil of Gotham. In this case Batman is Dr. Dre, Comish Gordon is MC Ren, and The Joker is Eazy E. DJ Yella is one of the annoying broads. By the way if you are in the market for a butt-hole-chin, I know and guy who knows a guy, who works magic. He did Bruce Jenner's work, and you can hardly even tell that he used to be a man.

Timmerz

Timbo,

It is amazing to remember Ice Cube as the Jheri Curled representing MC that he was - you know, hating the police, and hanging out in Compton, being a Gangsta Gangsta, and probably (I can't say this for sure) eating at Johnny's Pastrami (Located at Adams and Crenshaw) at 3:00 in the morning. Something happened along the way though and it's somewhat unclear to the many Ice Cube experts there are today as to what it was. Most do however agree that it was that “good day” he had and it was a real sea change for him. I'm sure you remember this - I'm constantly asked, "Where were you when Ice Cube had his good day and said, damn right it was a good day.? Well I was at Ben's Chili Bowl in Washington D.C. when this parking lot attendant ran in and said, "Hey everybody! Ice Cube had a good day! Holy shit! This must have been the best day ever - his beeper kept blowin’ up but he didn't throw up, he shot a triple double, and he didn't even have to use his AK!" Indeed, this was to be Ice Cube's greatest day, and it has lived in rainbows and cotton candy clouds ever since as the most pleasant 24 hours a pimped out O.G. ever had.

It is my belief that Hollywood took note of this good day he had and started to conspire. At first, they thought Ice Cube could be a Will Smith like figure, but with more edge and STD's. This lasted a little while with thrilling performances in movies like XXX and Anaconda while staying true to his roots in such tear-jerkers as Thicker than Water. Then, by some stroke of luck or directly from the hand of Black Jesus, he made the full transition to all around likable guy by all races and nationalities with the Are We There Yet? franchise. And with the plethora of praise and awards these films garnered, critics across the globe commanded, Ice Cube is there! Where that is might not be fully realized, but recently, many Ice Cube experts have surmised it is Suburbia.

This brings me to my initial inquiry about your having seen Battle:LA. Although the butt-hole-chin is the true star of the movie, it is most notably missing things from LA. The Hollywood sign, Pinks Hot Dogs, Randy's Donuts, Burrito King in Echo Park, Dodger Stadium, The Getty Villa, LAX, the 405, Watts, Capitol records building, The Griffith Observatory, That guy on the weird roller skates with the guitar in Venice Beach, The Gaylord Apartments on Wilshire. The La Brea Tar Pits, The Staples Center, for god's sake anything! But no, what do you get instead - palm trees, fucking palm trees. I feel like they probably shot it in South Carolina or something.

I thought for sure the army guys would hook up with a rag tag group of street wise thugs, a Mexican pregnant lady, an old white guy, a Homeless Actor, a Bus Driver, some German Tourists, A rapper, a delivery person, and some really hot lady (I guess Michelle Rodriguez is hot, but I can't say for sure.) Together they would defeat the aliens. None of this stuff happened though and I walked out of theater crying. The only consolation was getting stopped on the home by the C.H.P so that David Hasselhoff could drive by in a white jeep, was he filming a jeep commercial? (No Lie). Please do hook me up with that guy you know though because I really think I could pull off the butt-hole-chin as I cannot grow a proper beard if my life depended on it.

The Briar Patch

Bri-Bri,

That was some fucking serious illuminati shit, or as it is know in NYC CLUEMINATI!!!!!!! I wonder how this effects or is affected by the theory that the universe, which was once a projection of an imaginary world self actualized in Ice Cube's Jheri Curl, now resides in the butt chin of one Aaron Eckhart. I also wonder if the fact that all Aarons I know are in alcoholics anonymous has anything to do with the AA to start of their names. I am jam packed full of questions. Most are childish and unproductive queries that have more often than not lead to my habitual unemployabitily but there are a few that just set the world on its collective ass. They usually have to do with “doesn’t celeb x look like athlete y?” Speaking of which, is there any other celebrities or athletes that you look like? I always imagined you to be very Barry Bondsian. I have been told that I look like the King of Queens and that the movie Hitch was based on my old rap group.

Timbuk2