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Single White E-Mail

Single White E-mail: The True Master's of the Universe

Brian,

I have the feeling that our riveting talks are changing the way people look at the world. For example after reading our posts President Barack Obama has decided to kill Bin Laden and tell the Israelis to get the Fuck back behind their 1968 border. The head of the IMF is raping hotel maids, and my wrinkle free Dockers are wrinkling.

I think we might have changed the very fabric of our existence. Tell me does this make you long for the days of opening gay super heroes like He-Man or are you comfortable with the darker and more closeted likes of the Batman?

Tim

Mary "Tim" ony,

He-Man had a girlfriend and her name was...

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Single White E-Mail - My Stereotypes 100 Words Per Minute

Hi Brian,

Long time no speak. Since we last spoke I have learned three things.
1. It is stupid to panic 10 days into a 162 game baseball season.
2. That I am just not as flexible as I used to be, don't ask how I found that out.
3. That the Easter Bunny is not a cheap whore like its bunny counterparts over at Playboy.

What's new with you?

Love,
Tim

Hi Tim,

New things with me: I've learned that property management people are soulless spineless pieces of shit. They should all go die. I've also learned that the homeowners they represent are cowardice men children with really bad Swazi tattoos. There is a bread of redneck here in...

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Single White E-Mail - It Takes A Red Sox Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back

Hi Bri,

I just learned of an exciting new band named Phantom Power, are you jealous?

Timbuk3

Tim,

I'm not the jealous type. This "band" you speak of must be great as I have it on good authority your musical safaris often unearth the freshest of fresh sounds. Why are you not an A and R guy for Sony? I too have found a new band and here they are!

B-

 

Hi Briguy,

That is an amazing collection of young artists. Very talented. As for Sony, I refuse to work with the...

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Single White E-Mail - Butt-Hole-Chin and Ice Cube

Hi Brian,

It was my birthday this weekend, and though I shouldn’t expect you to know I was still broken to pieces that you did not. I did my usual birthday thing, you know, drank myself into bolivian (word to Mike Tyson), cried, went out to behind the 7-11 to choke myself while masturbating, cried while masturbating, ate some slim jims, pooped, and passed out at that bus stop for 3 days. What did you do that was so god damn important that you couldn’t be the one choking me while I masturbated?

Love,
Tim

Oh Tim,

It was my birthday two weeks ago and on a similar note you did not send me a card or say something stupid like, "How was your trip around the sun?" I did receive a 12 pack of...

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Single White E-Mail - Ladies First

Hi Brian,

I hope this finds you in a better place than where we last left off when you were captured by your arch nemesis Capt. Butteryums and dangling over a pen of hungry hogs in his underground lair. It is my understanding that those hogs could devour a human being in just under 5 minutes, which coincidently is how long it took for Nick Cage to break out of hell in his film "Drive Angry". I often wonder if I would be willing to escape from hell, but since I don't believe in hell I quickly snap out of it and go back to drinking. But for the sake of argument, if I did have to escape from hell I would do so with classic misdirection. I would yell to the devil "LLLOOOOOKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!" while pointing over there, and when he turned to...

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