The PERFECT North Coast Music Festival - SYFFALIST

If I had my way, every fucking music festival would cater to my musical tastes, and anyone who has any differing opinions or smells of patchouli can eat a fucking dick, and enjoy the fucking dickFuck out of Pitchfork bro bro.

Along with my taste in music, every festival I attend should also cater to my dietary preferences and for all those who prefer eating dick, well they can enjoy the fucking Fuckdick out of Pitchfork bro bro.

I've taken the liberty of putting together my perfect day at North Coast Music Festival as a few of us prepare to try and see every band we love in as much of an organized fashion as possible. Should the fellows at North Coast Music Fest be reading this, please to put what the Fuck I want in the fucking order I want, or I will be forced to cut you.

I am a very violent person and I'm prone to some pretty barbaric violencez bro bro.

Those who don't agree with my opinions, kindly suck a fart out of my fartbox and enjoy the fucking Fuckdick out of Pitchfork bro bro.

NOON O'CLOCK:

We start the day off with AbdeCaf. The dude is a relatively green musician and his electro deliciousness is probably going to get someone laid at North Coast. It's basement bong party perfection, and I need him to start off my day of intoxication, all the while staring at women'z terts behind my sunglasses bro bro.

1:00PM:

Next is Gentlemen Hall. I know these guys from the internet. We have plans to all wear sunglasses and act like we're talking, but all we're going to do is stare at terts with our sunglasses on and our beards fucking fucking the Fuck out yo. I'm pretty sure just hanging out with them could get me laid, as their music makes women take off their terts and show us their awesome personalities. Which is exactly what I hope to avoid at NCMF because I'm happily married and just here to party bro bro.

1:45PM:

Atmosphere be next. Nothing makes a summer day a summer day without a little Atmos bro, oh, and shitty reefer that smells of windex smoked out of an aluminum pipe that tastes of Alzheimers. I've seen Atmosphere more in the past three years than Quantum Leap reruns AND I LOVE ME SOME BAKULA BRO BRO. Atmosphere is the one person I can always count on to put on an amazing fucking show, you should feel the same bro bro.

3:00PM:

Then I slowly saunter over to see Mr. MFN eXquire. I've wanted to see this dude live since hearing him last year. I hope he brings a hype man instead of the CD player behind him tho, from watching videos of his live set, that is the only thing that could piss me off. And the only reason I'd be pissed off is because someone I imagine to be fucking hell yea could turn out to be just okay. FACK THAT! EXQUIRE BETTER BE HELL YEAH.

4:20PM:

Then just when I get back from the pisser, Zebo hits go. For those who aren't from Chicago, DJ Zebo is the second most adorable DJ around, after Big Once. His facial hair is akin to angel hair pasta and his taste in music akin to my own. He is the DJ that most resembles hell yes, and from what I've read on the internet, he moistens his mustache throughout his sets with the sweat of a trio of Aborigine models who all speak with lisps and consider cell phones to be the remote controls for the devil bro bro.

5:30PM:

DO YOU HEAR WHAT'S STARTING NEXT BRO? Rebirth Brass Band bro bro. I CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR THIS. Every time I've said the words "Rebirth Brass Band" aloud, a huge tuba bleat comes out of my throat and my legs go weak and I start sashaying like I'm down in the Tremé. Fuck yes I cannot wait to hear this group of brasstards murder shit like they're down in the Tremé bro bro. HORNY BROS BRO BRO! These guys compliment sausage eating, if you must know what those yellow stains around my lips are bro.

6:30PM:

Just after a nice early evening burp or three, here comes Pretty Lights. I am not immune to dancing bro. Even though I am the hipsterest of hipsters now that I've lost all the weight from all the cocainez bro, I too, need my bmmtssbmmtss. BUT I DEMAND TO BE ENTERTAINED WITH MY EYES AT THE SAME TIMES. Pretty Lights shall do this, and I shall overhear many people mumble something about his set being "life changing" or some shit. It will be awesome, but in my hipster smugness, it won't be as good as the one time we saw him when there was only 700 people there bro.

8:15PM:

When it's time for Girl Talk, I will be all danced out, but I will be in the mood for note taking. I imagine myself standing there amongst the throngs of people who are wasting all this intricate clip cutting on moving their feets, and I shall be scribbling who over what under who segueing into what. Girl Talk is the nerd's nerd, and I shall overcome the urge to thrust my pelvises by buying myself an awesome pen that will write with the fluidity of Girl Talk's imaginative snip snipping.

10:00PM:

And because I enjoy psychedelic drug experimentation, just when my wrist gets sore, I shall swallow a few swallows of mushroom tea and prepare myself for STS9 (Sound Tribe Sector 9). I've sat naked in front of my computer a few times watching the shit these assholes created as a backdrop for their performances. They call it, and hashtag it, the #GreatCycleSpectacles. I expect it to blow my fucking mind. I expect it to allow me the freedom to do long division in my head while listening to nothing but my toilet overflow. I expect it to make the rest of my life seem mundane. I expect STS9, and their delicious light show, to allow me to speak in only acronyms and get away with calling people bro bro.

North Cost Music Festival, if they follow my fucking demands, WILL BE EPICALLY EPIC AND ALL ANYONE WILL DO AFTERWARD IS SHAKE THEIR HEADS AND SAY "Damn Joel is one sexy assfaced assface".

I happen to agree.

North Coast Music Festival is August 31st through September 2nd, 2012 in Chicago bro. If you're not there, you're probably somewhere else. And that's cool, you'll just miss me staring at your terts bro bro.