Oh, Sweet Portman. You were once one of my faves. Then you had a baby and got married. It's amazing how easily a girl can just vanish of a dudes radar.

Coming in forth can't be the worst thing ever for a guy who grew up with the last name gay. I'd imagine every day in high school was a 4th place finish.

She's a pole vaulter or something? That's one of those sports that, outside of the Olympics, has not point in existing. So considering that, does the difference between being first or second best in the world really matter?

I dunno…this is cool and all but I really only wanna watch Mars if Michael Bay is involved.

At this point he's kinda like the football equivalent to when old rappers from the 90's try and put out relevant music in 2012. He's basically a new KRS-One album.

Wait, Chemo helps cancer grow? This is like the time I found out that dried mango's have tons of sugar in them and are actually kinda bad for you…except a bazillion times worse.

I'm psyched to see the Roseanne roast. Mostly cause she's actually a respectable (if not a little crazy) person who has done some great things .For once, these roasts might not feel like watching people beat a handicapped person to death.

Man, America and Marilyn Monroe, we can't enough of her. I figured by now, anyone who gave a shit about her was either dead or too old to use a computer.

Mac's been looking like he's been on heroin lately. Either that or he's studying up for his role the "The Machinist 2". Either way, he's pretty high in my death pool.

I'm sure there were some people who were outraged by her crip walking after winning a gold medal but I'm also sure 99% of the people who saw were old as Fuck, had no idea what she was doing and probably racistly turned to their spouse and said "They sure do like dancing!" #america