Metz - Metz

By: Tim Baker

Ever see one of those movies where a runaway train filled with explosives is on a collision course with a small town filled with angels and adorable orphans? shit's tense as Fuck right? Lots of close ups of wheels churning, steam coming out of the locomotive, a drunk conductor looking at a photo of his dead girlfriend holding his dead cat. I mean shit is drastic, your palms get sweaty, your stomach is in knots and your adrenaline is through the fucking roof. To add to that mix one of the orphans was misplaced₁ and is playing on the train tracks and is just so god damned cute with her sooty face.

As the train bears down on the kid you start I feel sick, fear takes over and your wiener does that thing when it goes inside. Holy shit you can't watch. Suddenly, there's an impact and instead of the orphan turning to ground beef the engine crumbles and the train folds up on itself.

Holy shit!

The kid is made of high density something or other!

Rejoice!

What a ride!

Well that I what it feels like when you listen to the self titled album by Sub Pop artists and my favorite Canadians, METZ.

METZ is 11 songs and 30 minutes of white knuckle badassery. It's like driving 90 mph through a blizzard to make it to Denny's because you really need a Moon Over Mihammie and some meth. Straight up, this album continuously kicks you in your back until you are pissing blood and refuses to let up no matter how many times you say uncle or offer up oral pleasures. They are relentless.

By the time I got to the unbearably heavy and menacing Knife in the Water, I forgot the name of my children, shaved my head and started a cult dedicated to a head of lettuce. From there it only got worse.

Wet Blanket caused havoc on my subway train because I beat up two school children and goosed a senior citizen named Hal because it was either that or shit myself in its aggressive awesomeness.

Wasted with its all its feedback, riff heavy deliciousness and “Fuck if I care” attitude reminded me of everything I loved about early Nirvana and nothing that I currently hate about seeing 16 year olds in 2012 wearing Nirvana shirts₂.

These fuckers even brought back my favorite track from their pre Sub Pop release and the song that made me feel ok about getting their faces tattooed on my calves during that drunken trip to Tucson; Negative Space which sounds like my favorite thrash bands filtered through the cool parts of Tool songs.

METZ is a brilliant onslaught that leaves you parched, and in need of one of those showers where you are fully dressed, curled up in a ball and crying, so be sure to pre-order that fucker here.

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¹Sadly nobody cares about orphans, even the adorbz ones.

²Nothing pisses me off more than kids coopting 20 year old culture. I feel the same way about these shit birds as I did about the kids in my high school being super into The Beatles and The Grateful Dead₃.

³Truth be told, once I started smoking weed in college I got the whole Dead thing. THEY NEVER PLAY THE SONG THE SAME WAY TWICE BRO!