Old Yeller'd Madonna

Two nights ago I sat in my living room watching two of the teams I hate most in the NFL play in the Super Bowl.

As a Jets fan this was a nightmare match-up, the bitterest of rival Tom Brady and the Patriots lost an exciting almost identical game to Super Bowl 42, to Eli and the local rival New York Giants. I realized two things; first that I hate the Patriots way more than I realized and second that Madonna is almost as despicable.

I have always had a disdain for Madonna. I found her music to be shitty pop music best suited for 6th grade girls but because, to her credit, she understood the video genre and the appeal of selling sex somehow she became an icon. I always found her main talent to be that of a carnival barker. She was the PT Barnum of 80s music, hawking the appeal of sex, in her case a cartoonish version of sex, for talent.

Now if I am being fair, which is quite difficult for me when talking Madonna, she is a wildly important cultural figure. I get that. I appreciate the bullets she took to help sexually liberate women and raise awareness and acceptance for the gay community. shit she basically put on a gay cabaret act on during the Super Bowl, a bastion for conservative America, she is fearless when it comes to important social change and deserves nothing but praise for that.

My issue with Madonna is that her music sucks. She is a more socially aware, less talented version of Katy Perry. I feel that her cultural status is often confused with the quality of her music, which is trite trend fucking about 5 years after the fact. Maybe I am missing the point, but I do not see where social and cultural significance replaces actual chops and talent. If anything she is the prototype of the style over talent approach that is infinitely more responsible for the downfall of the music industry than any file sharing platform ever was.

So on Sunday when I watched he come out and perform a set of old standards, try to ride the crest of artists like Nikki Minaj and the MIA to secure some sort of relevance I had to cringe. Between the incredibly awkward attempts at lip syncing, the ill timed dance moves and the general appearance of a Real Housewife trying to parley her semi-fame into some sort of music career; I was floored.

I was taken back.

I couldn't look away from the train wreck.

It was fucking painfully awkward for all involved. Now to see people praising it is just the final straw.

Let's not mince words here:

IT fucking SUCKED!

Madonna I think it is time, and since you are unwilling to be satisfied with a career based on riding the inner city and youth trends that you didn't create or have any real influence on, to an audience that was/is blissfully unaware and accept your position as a cultural ambassador who can do some real good by lending your name to causes I have no choice. Whether it's the album full of contrived and uninspired tracks with artists like Minaj and MIA, the awkward as Fuck performance at the Super Bowl half time show or the inevitable tour mirroring the shit show from the other night; it is painfully obvious that you can't be trusted and need to be put down

So come on.

Let's get in the big truck and take a ride out to the big farm in the country where there will be plenty of room to run, or lip sync, or talk in a faux British accent.

Go on girl!

Run!

Click...

BANG!