Love, Dad's - Top 5 Things That Are Almost As Mind-Numbingly Ass Rapingesque As Listening To A Woman Talk

5. Shopping With A Woman:

I remember the first time I went shopping with a girlfriend. I took her to Watertower in Chicago and I was all proud to be on my woman's arm and wearing my good Reebok Blacktops and smelling of Joop and sporting a perfectly gelled mane of Luxembourgian brown hairs atop me heads. I thought it was going to be fucking glorious, me watching her try on dainty lingerie. Her showing me a bit of her thong. Me exposing myself to her and the rest of the day reading out like a Penthouse letter. But alas, I did more slave labor that day than if I had been whipped into building the pyramids. She had me fetch her different sizes, different colors of the same shit, various accessories to try on, and then when she DID emerge from dressing rooms she would look amazing but wouldn't fucking believe me so I spent most of my spittle on apologizing for saying something, not wrong, but incorrectly. When she wasn't in a dressing room trying on shit for her, she was sizing up shirts on my chest for me to wear so I would look more like her ex-boyfriend. Not only was I cooler than her ex-boyfriend, but I was sporting a bigger penis and I know from listening to her talk on the phone that I had a much cleaner car than that jagbag.

4. Being Detained By Homeland Security:

This hasn't actually happened to me, but I have a bunch of friends who are either white and tan and dirty or of a race that isn't white and dumb fucking white people might assume they are terrorizers. (The latter are either Mexicos, Albanianos, really really really black people or Italians with shifty eyes.) A few of my friends have complained to me about getting picked up by Homeland Security for no reason other than they looked suspicious. What happens is they are wisked away (YES! WISKED!) and felt up (BEEN AWHILE FOR ME! I'M MARRIED!) and left to sit in silence in a locked room for hours (I HAVE 3 KIDS AND A WIFE, THIS SOUNDS AWESOME!). Normally they are released after they realize they are only feeding stereotypes by snagging people who look dangerous based on previous world events, but whaddayagonnado? Regardless, I could use the time away from the hustle and bustle of bustling and hustling to be quite honest. I could possibly even write an erotic story during this time.

3. Being Stuck In Traffic For Over An Hour Without Moving:

There are a few things in life that I truly cannot stand, one of them being sitting in traffic. Yet, let me say yet again, YET, if I'm alone in said traffic and my cell phone battery is dead and my bladder is empty? Bring that shit on. I live for moments of stillness. Moments where I can itch my balls without the possibility of someone either seeing me or me crashing into them. See I have really large balls and if I itch them while driving, well, I have a waaaaaays to reach and I could easily swerve and clip a bitch, ya feel me? I can sit in silence like a champ, in fact, it's the reason for today's top 5. Silence isn't golden, ITS fucking CRACK.

2. Spending The Night In An Airport After Being Snowed In/Flight Cancelled/Flying Standby Goes Awry:

Like I've already mentioned, I have no problem with being stranded in some place like an airport as long as I'm completely alone, or at least sans females. I love women. I absolutely adore my wife. I am completely wrapped around my beautiful daughter's pinky. But none of that means I want to be stranded anywhere with anyone who doesn't use logic, reason and patience when assessing a situation. Complaining that your flight is delayed every 15 seconds and saying "when is someone going to tell us what is going on?" on repeat doesn't help the situation. Silence and patience seem to work to your advantage when you find yourself in pickles like this. Shut the Fuck up and read. I live to fly solo so that I may have uninterrupted reading time that I normally do not get because of my adult responsibilities. If there is nothing you can do about a situation, shut the Fuck up godtheFuckdamnit, and wait your fucking turn, you are not the only frustrated person on the planet. shaddupyoufuckingfaces.

1. Having A Wart Surgically Removed From The Bottom Of Your Foot:

I've had this happen twice this year. Hobbling around with a huge vacancy where your warts, both named Reggie oddly enough, used to reside is no picnic. In fact, the pain from having a needle jammed into your foot to numb a certain area is so specific it is pretty much the only thing I might have in common with prisoners of war. After you've been scraped of all wartsness, you stand up on a numb foot and take off and think it isn't so bad having a huge hole in your foot. Then you wake up the next morning and can't even stand without vaginal wetness forming at your eyeballs. This shit hurts. But still, I would prefer having my feet dug out with scalpels than listen to a woman talk.

Now, I'm going to go home and not get laid.

Love,
Dad