Growing up in Chicago, there are two truths every young man is instilled with.
1. Ditka is not only a coach. Ditka is an exclamation. An adjective. A noun. And a conversation stopper. Ditka.
2. The Green Bay Packers are made up of nothing but a bunch of sausage swilling, cheeseturbating, fancy pantsed cooze monkeys. Fuck Green Bay. (My son is a perfect example)
Knowing that your life is on the straight and narrow if you are instilled with these two core values, is something I can say with pride. I am on the straight and narrow, and I fucking hate the ever loving shit out of the Green Bay Packers.
Let us delve into the hate that has been brewing, fermenting, and clarifying over the past hundred or more years between Chicago and Green Bay.
5. Green Bay is still the town Favre built, then abandoned
The hate of Green Bay was never at its most intense then when Brett Favre, and his infamous hockey puck shaped penis, was at the helm of its American football club. There was something deeply annoying about watching that spriteful fruitbat dancing around in his green and white tights, throwing interceptions and celebrating mediocrity. Most hatred of the Packers is centered around this scruffy toolbox of a man, and while the number 4 is just a number, on a football jersey it spells out d o u c h e b a g, and for a good reason. The guy is a world class fucking jagbag with the wits of a high school freshman and the common sense of a communications major in college.
4. Green and gold are their team colors, yet their crowd is decked out in hunter orange
Is this because they are all deer, fowl and wild game hunting hunters named Hunter?
This is to protect themselves against fucking death while tailgating. If you've never been to Green Bay for a fooseball game, they open beers with pistols and use deer antlers as sex toys. All of this takes place within spitting distance to the entrance of Lambeau Field, but they say the real action at Green Bay takes place in the drunk tank after the game, where you might find yourself stuffed and mounted without ever having to leave earth or your britches.
3. Cold temps lead crazy people to do even crazier things
I live in Chicago, it's fucking cold. I have, on occasion, done some stupid fucking things in response to repeated exposure to constantly cold fucking temperatures. There was the one time I duct taped fun noodles to my arms and did my best "inflatable blowy arm thingy" on a busy highway.
Then the one time I duct-tape shaved my initials into my chest hair.
Or the time I got a bunch of friends together, and we bobbed for miller high life's outdoors.
But there is nothing stupider than a Wisconsinite on a cold-fever-induced insanity spree. I have witnessed one in my life, and it included a loaded shotgun, a roll of twine, a stuffed water buffalo head, seven Old Milwaukee cans, a gray squirrel and a lawsuit waiting to happen. I have tried my best to forget that day, but I will always remember the way the squirrel looked at me right before going into the guy's mouth.
If these fucking people get to the Super Bowl, people will die. Humanity might be better in the long run, but people will fucking die.
2. The people who like the Green Bay Packers and live in Chicago, and have no affiliation with Wisconsin other than they went that one time, are fucking assholes
If your dad is from Wisconsin, and you were brought up a Packer fan, cool.
If you are from Wisconsin, and you're a Packer fan, cool.
Good for fucking you. I don't hate on people for being loyal, I hate on them for being fucking idiots.
But there are a large population of self-imposed-Packer fans out here that do so only to be different. There is no merit in selecting to like a team based only on potentially pissing people off and setting yourself apart from the community in which you find yourself residing in. If you do this out of pure hatred for going with the flow, good for you, but Fuck you sideways with a fucking wheel of cheese you fucking "different for the sake of being different, which in fact makes me just as fucking dumb as the people I'm trying to be different from" assfaced, queerbait coddling, tubesock masturbating and ruining a perfectly good pair of tube socks, asshole.
1. People live in Wisconsin for a reason.
I go to Wisconsin on occasion. It's right up there on top of Illinois. Kind of out of the way of everything that is even potentially exciting. It's got decent food, looks beautiful in the fall, has awesome lakes, great cheese, it has some good things that keep people coming back. And that's just it, people go BACK, they don't fucking STAY.
But let's be completely fucking honest here.
Wisconsin is where people go, or are from originally, because they would not be accepted anywhere fucking else.
Wisconsin is the place that manners go to die.
What do you call polite in Wisconsin? When your mother closes the door to the kitchen while she's shitting in the fucking sink.
The people of Wisconsin, and Nevada for that matter, deserve to live in Wisconsin (or Nevada). Why do they deserve this? Well, anywhere else they would either be arrested, run out of town, or strung up by their long johns and castrated in public for attempting to co-mingle with the real peoples.
The entire state of Wisconsin, and like I said, Nevada, is there so we can drive up there, make a huge fucking mess and throw shit everywhere, and get the Fuck out come Sunday afternoon. There is nothing of value in the state of Wisconsin other than its perpetually cold winters, its delightfully warm lakes come summer, and the fact that the roads leading out of it are paved.
If you woke up and found yourself in Wisconsin and you didn't go there to get away from the stress of the real world, prepare to get anally raped, bludgeoned by a guy with a table cloth as a bib, and possibly pulled over by the bumbleFuck police and given, not a speeding ticket per se, but a ticket for being able to leave that godforfuckingsaken state called Wisconsin.
Fuck Green Bay.