Love, Dad's top five scariest indie rappers on the planet

5. 2Mex.

Have you seen this dude offstage? muthafucker makes my balls climb inside of my body and cuddle with my pancreas. He's so intimidating. He is the only person who can rap about god shit, and nearly convince you to kneel out of fear. Not fear of god's wrath, but of his mighty Mexican fists of flaming fury and his neck, thick like a redwood. I don't even think I've heard a single fucking thing this dude raps about because I'm constantly looking for an exit or a larger Mexican friend to stand behind (thanks Maker!).

4. Sage Francis/B.Dolan

Let's face it, they are essentially the same bearded rap pundit but with different finishing moves. Sage tends to drown people in edamame, while B.Dolan is actually on the FBI's list of known pudding sorcerers ('tapioca tornado' ring any bells?). Never has a tag team of rappers been so eerily friendly, while as lethal as an arctic panzer wolf with the taste for a delicious fermented beverage.

If I were to meet these two pre-santas in a dark alley, I would first scream "meat is murder" and then spit a quick rhyme like "diabolical nitrous tanks, planting prison shanks in sweaty spin class ranks like Tootsie star Tom Hanks" - both of them would then leave me alone assuming I'm just another white rapping-with-my-hands backpacker. And we all know rappers hate nothing more than other rappers. It's their cryptonite.

3. Isaiah Toothtaker

This probably won't come as a surprise to anyone out there in TV land, but this dude scares the shit out of me. If you didn't already know, this dude ripped out somebody's eye and served time for it. While in jail he perfected his forceful rap rap delivery style and learned to circumcise with an uninterested glare. What's scariest about Toothtaker, is that he is smarter than nearly every emcee out there.

While Sage Francis might be able to spout off statistics about meat production in Guatemala, Toothtaker can make money while sleeping and have people begging for him to tatt'em all over the world just because of how awesome he is.

I am thankful we have mutual friends, but I doubt that would save me come feeding time. My flesh is too supple to pass up.

2. Onry Ozzbourn

I've met this dude three times and every fucking time he scares the shit out of me. His rap delivery style is extremely nonchalant and patient, and that is exactly what freaks me out about dude. Dude will fucking wait till I'm either not looking or asleep, and then boom goes the dynamite. Bye bye Joels.

If he showed even a hint of excitement about something in public I might not feel so intimidated. But for someone so successful and fucking talented to show no emotion, I'm positive he's either a robot or a superhero under the cover of a disinterested rapper who is actually amazing at both tasks.

1. Adeem

Sure, you think I'm joking.

A miniature, bald, bespectacled, fast talking, long-curly-shoe-wearing man with suspenders. Ring any bells? This muthafucker is the leader of the lollipop guild in the Wizard of fucking Oz people!

Like carneys (small hands, smell like cabbage), munchkins are capable of unbelievable carnage if not given a wide berth.

My recommendation going forward is to always face this dude head on, allow him a sip of your Tab or Bubble Up or Crystal Pepsi when he asks (and he WILL ask, the polite little prick) and treat him like a man four feet taller. Lord knows he has more talent than seven his actual body size, but don't remind him he could drive in any of my attic-residing Micro Machines and still have ample leg room.