Love, Dad’s top five things to keep in mind when complaining like a bitch ass bitch ass on the internet.

5. Your vagina is showing

Even if you're naughty bits claim otherwise, whining like a coozenecked pussy truffle does little to gain empathy or sympathy on your behalf. Rather, the more you whine and carry on about regular mundane shit the more you make yourself look more like a taint-spined cunt satchel. Wanna wow us with awwww's? Tell us your white trash uncle just got struck by lightning indoors while saving a puppy from a wood chipper, you flaming fruitcake of a sassy sissy-lipped skid-mark scented human being.
 

4. You're shallow

What makes a person deep? Well, for starters, people with depth don't bitch and moan about shit that everyone else is going through in a manner that suggests they are the only person experiencing it. The best part about the internet besides porn and music is the ease of instant communication. Keep the conversations flowing without hooting and hallering about the pea-gravel-sized clusters of boredom in your vas defrens or the sissy-sandcastle erected in your panty line you vaginal secretion suckling tubesteak mining shit-kabob.

3. You're one dimensional

Is this alls yous gots? "Monday again? Grrr!"

Seriously? Monday comments? What is this? The check out at Aldi? Are we friends because we both hate the inevitable? Why would I care if the calendar intentionally shoves its veiny horse phallus in you every seven days? Its called time. It happens, not just to you, but to every fucking person on the planet. You aren't just a whiny snatchdragon, you're an unoriginal snatchdragon.

2. You've been enabled this way

Somewhere in your life, someone played along with your snooter spewing and it clicked inside that jiggling mass of toddler shit you call a brain that such behavior was socially acceptable. Well it isn't. If you or someone you know in the flesh, acts in the way described in this here pissy missive, you owe it to society to fucking ignore this shit.

We're a country of fucking pussy footed grundle pinchers and I'm fucking sick of it. Grow the Fuck up you Nancy-pantsed cotton-testicled urethral wart.

1. Your vagina is vast

Your vag is so deep, I could yell my ACT score into it and it would yell back a lower score like a whiny bitch followed by "but I was sick that day!"

If you make a habit of spilling your gash juice on the internet to people you don't know all that well, I can only imagine what your life-closely-resembling-an-infected-oozing-vaginal-orifice would do to me physically if I was an in the flesh personal friend. I would hate to have to sit near you on an airplane. Your incessant pity shits would over-power the jet engines, causing my already sensitive ears to declare mutiny and sever my brainstem using only the fragile bones of my inner ear.
If you've read this far and you know this person or worse, YOU ARE THIS PERSON, I urge you to toss a rope ladder down into that cavernous cooze crevice and rescue the ass-faced red wine stain you or they've become with a bit of logic I've written out for you.

You kill more bees or make more real friends with a smile, huge tits and brutal honesty than complaining, moping, over-acting, pity fishing, sad-sacking, Monday grumbling, Friday-yaying, crowd following or any other behavior normally attributed to a sensationally shallow, one dimensional, chronically enabled, publicly exposed dribbling and sniffling, deep gashed pussy shit.

I trust you'll either change yourself promptly or inspire change in the walking shitshank who is fucking up your Facebook feed or twitter stream.