Laugh At What I Love - Madonna's Super Bowl Performance

There are two kinds of people on this planet (gingers not included): people who feel the need to fucking gripe over shit they can't get behind regardless if people care about their fucking opinion or not, and people who appreciate shit for what it is, regardless of whether or not they get behind it for reasons beyond something to masturbate to.

If you are one of the former, you probably shat on Madonna's Super Bowl performance. That means, regardless of your past experience with her music or masturbating to her, you chose to shit on her for any number of reasons, but you were probably a shitload more vocal about hating it than the rest of us were for not hating it.

As a matter of fact, I enjoyed that muthafucker.

Yes, I'm the one.

If you're not one of those annoying muthafuckers who shits on the Super Bowl on the whole because of an "opposition to corporate greed" or because "it's barbaric" or "it's homosexual to parade around in tights and hit each other with hard hats on" or any other reason that I find fucking laughable, you probably watched the half time show. Regardless of whether or not you saw Madonna on Sunday, you understand the role of the half time performer. The Super Bowl is watched by nearly half the fucking country if not more, and to avoid alienating any particular demographic, they try to select a happy-medium-ish performer that has reach into every pocket of every age.

You've no doubt seen the Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen in recent years past, and Madonna, while more towards the pop-music listening audience, fits that role perfectly. If you don't know anything about her, you've been living under a rock for the past 20 years, or you're a fucking liar. The fact that Madonna has gone from radical and offensive to old people because of her vagina's appetite, to mainstream because of her music that may or may not reference her vagina, is a fucking feat in itself.

Women between 18 and 50 know a minimum of 50% of her songs by heart, whether through osmosis or intention, and men between 14 and 80 have no doubt used either her photos or videos during a masturbatory experience at some point. And if they haven't, well, I suggest they take a look at Madonna from when I was a pre-teen. She was (and in some ways still is) on fucking fire. She made parents uncomfortable in front of their children for her lack of sexual inhibitions, but she no doubt inspired a large portion of the population to try something new in the bedroom, whether it was a finger up the poop chute, thigh high pleather boots or just wearing a men's white button down with nothing else on underneath.

Madonna set trends by admitting she liked sex and not being afraid of what people thought about her. At the same time, she made music that to this day is fucking catchy, sing-along-y and popular.

She deserved that fucking Super Bowl slot, and she fucking murdered it 888% more than the fucking Black Eye Peas did last year. I'm no hater and even I fucking hated that bullshit.

Were there aspects of the performance last Sunday that I would have changed? Yes. I would've chopped her boots down an inch and given her some more stability. I would have cut M.I.A. from the equation because she's a loose cannon and from what I gather from watching her over the past few years, she's kind of a piece of shit, and she felt the need to not only flip off 'Merca, but she essentially flipped off Madonna who gave her the opportunity to join her on the largest stage on the fucking planet. I would have also found some way to avoid performing Vogue, if only because I never really cared for the song.

But do any of those minuscule changes have anything to do with Madonna's overall performance? Fuck no. Madonna killed it. She's fucking 83 years old, fucking hot, overly muscular, drinks expensive religion water, has kissed both Britney Spears AND SkinnyStina Aguilar, got to hang out with Guy Ritchie for a few years, and she published a sex book with Dennis Rodman for Christ's fucking sake.

Anyone who shits on a Super Bowl performance that didn't actually fucking suck, that had Cee-Lo fucking singing harmony on Like A Prayer, made Nikki Minaj not annoying as Del, that had 3D fucking graphics on the fucking ground, that probably employed about 3,000 people to choreograph, design, program and rehearse, well, those people are assholes.

YES TIM, I JUST CALLED YOU AN ASSHOLE. NOW GET BACK ON FACETIME AND LET'S SEE IF MY KIDS CAN MAKE YOUR DOG PEE ON COMMAND AGAIN.