Dick Says: Kurt Russell is the Man

For completely unknown and unintentional reasons beyond my control, I have been watching several Kurt Russell films in the recent weeks. It is as if I have no control over how my film viewing destiny unfolds itself. A healthy percentage of people would interpret this as "Dick! What a fantastic blessing you have had to experience a beautiful man such as Kurt Russell time and time again! What does one have to do in their life to reach such an apex of sheer joy and success?" That is a good question which will have to be addressed in future columns, but, for now, I'd like to continue and further babble about Mr. Russell.

Kurt Russell is a man of his own devices. Seldom can he catch a break, whether be it from a two thousand year-old Chinese sorcerer looking to mack his girl Big Trouble in Little China, or from some infectious alien creature trying to eat his face in The Thing. A man like Kurt Russell takes a situation, sizes it up in an extremely brief fashion, then makes a rash decision with some sort of comedic/unfortunate outcome.

THAT WAS ONE OF THE MORE UNFORTUNATE OUTCOMES, BUT I ASSURE YOU WHEN HE STEALS A PIECE OF PIZZA IN TANGO & CASH, THE RESULTS ARE FAR MORE HA-HA!

I'd really have to admit that the role of R.J. MacReady in The Thing serves as Kurt Russell's epitome of Hollywood roles. THE DUDE'S NAME IS MACREADY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! MacReady gets sauced in Antarctica, tosses booze into his computer upon losing a game of chess, and smokes some fools with a flamethrower and dynamite. Why Antarctic research stations come equipped with flamethrowers is beyond me, though I'm sure MacReady had some say in the ordeal. MacReady is the kind of guy who negotiates a flamethrower be supplied "just in case".

While we're on the topic of the cinematic masterpiece The Thing I'd really like to share a related music video. It serves as a brief, yet accurate, summation of the film in under seven minutes utilizing GI Joe action figures:

Did I mention K-dogg is also an Elvis man? He has also played the role of Elvis three times: once as Elvis himself; once as an Elvis impersonator; and once as the voice of Elvis. I doubt anyone could command any more respect in filmmaking than being able to portray the King of pelvic gyrations at every given opportunity.

Want to know some more weird but incredibly useful shit about Kurt Russell (as if you had a choice!)? When Walt Disney himself kicked the bucket back in the year 1966, his last written words on a piece of paper were "Kurt Russell". I doubt I could make this sort of thing up if I tried. With this information the plot undoubtedly thickens! What could have Mr. Disney meant by this? Did the father of Mickey Mouse (or the Mousefather, as I like to call him) foresee a bright future in the man who would eventually go on to revolutionize the 80's movie mullet? Think about it...