Our Interview with Jason Mulgrew: Everything is Wrong With Me, You, and Everyone We Know

Four Years ago I was introduced to the internet Mecca of self loathing that is Jason Mulgrew's "Everything is Wrong With Me" blog. Fuck, now that I think about all the time that has passed it very well could be six years. I can actually carbon stamp the date by saying I was posting MySpace blogs and feeling a great deal of shame when I'd compare those posts against the brilliant gems J-Dawg (that's how he affectionately likes me to refer to him when no one is listening) was posting. The dude brought the pain in his shame and he would drop some serious lolz well before lolz would become so common place in the over sharing department of the interwebz. He was an open faced-book before there really was a facebook.

Fast forward to Spring of 2011 and MySpace is gone (it really is, Deal with it), I'm slightly balder and J Dawg is still cranking out quality word turds, while also publishing a rip-roaringly hilarious book that can now be purchased at Amazon for more or less the price of a beer, depending on what type of shithole dives you frequent. I sat down with Jason recently to cover his successes, his failures, his love for Belinda Carlisle, and everything else that is wrong with him. This is your entrance course into the world of Jason Mulgrew, Internet Quasi- Celebrity and it starts….NOW:

SYFFAL: For the people out there in the SYFFALverse who might not know what you're all about could you please describe (in haiku form) your site "everything is wrong with me"?

JM: Let's try:

"Are you bored at work?
Well, I have a website you can read.
A lot of other people have read it.
its boss, they say."

Wait – I don't think that's a haiku. But it's pretty close, right?

SYFFAL: Not at all. A sad sad start. Ok, so you're one of the rare non-musicians we've asked to do an interview for our humble little site. Congrats . Are you more flattered or confused by the honor?

JM: I'm less concerned about my feelings and more concerned about the feelings of the readers of your site, who are probably thinking one of two things: "Who?" or "Boy, I'm high."
(ed. note: For those of you who answer "Who?" Check this out. It'll tell you all you need to know)

SYFFAL: Hmm, most likely the latter. I was introduced to your site many many years ago by some BC grads that surprisingly weren't insufferable chump stains. No question here, I just wanted to state that rare fact.

JM: Fair.

SYFFAL: "Everything Is Wrong With Me" makes you sound like you'd be the type of person who is obsessed with Morrissey (no matter how hard you deny that shit). Did you ever think about changing the name? Might I Suggest www.pleasepleasepleaseletmegetchilifrieswiththat.com?

JM: You know, I have absolutely no cool origin story about the name. When I started the blog, I hadn't had sex in ages, my buddies and I were only concerned with getting drunk and listening to music, and though I had a job, it was about #981 on my list of priorities. So when the original blogger template asked for a name, I thought up 'everything is wrong with me' on the fly because it seemed right. And it sort of stuck.

And funny you mention Morrissey. I'm simultaneously one of the biggest Anglophiles and biggest pussies that I know and yet, though I've tried many, many times, I just can't get into him. Seriously. On paper, it's like he's making music directly for my tastes: dramatic, gloomy, whiney, and androgynous. But I just got no love for him.

SYFFAL: Chalk it up to self loathing! You've been blogging for over seven long years. Kudos on that. Countless posts about masturbation, vomit, and hot whoppers and you have about 1500 followers on twitter to show for it. Nicole "Snookie" Polizzi, pride of Poughkeepsie has garnered 1,500,000 followers by taking a jab to the face and sucking on pickles. What Jersey Shore strategy will you ape to up your Twitter sphere of influence?

JM: Well, first of all, I don't like Twitter. Not only because I am generally verbose, but because I refuse to "save characters" by turning into Prince and writing shit like "LOL WTF U DOIN 2 URSELF!" And I think the rest of your question is stupid, so I choose to ignore it.

SYFFAL: Fair enough…..dick. Since everyone and their mother blogs now the word and action has kind of lost its power. When people describe their tumblrs as their "blogs" do you curse them, shake your fist towards the sky and mutter under your breath how when you wanted to put posts up back in your day you had to code html, uphill, both ways?

JM: Thank you for recognizing me as the mother fucking O.G. – at least, as one of them. I've been doing the blogging shit since early 2004, when most people still had AOL addresses. So yeah, after all this time and about 1.8 million words, it burns me up a little when a see a Tumblr blog like "Pictures of cats in civil war dress!" (Not an actual tumblr blog) or "Asians sleeping in the library!" (An actual tumblr blog) and know it's a matter of days before they get a book deal – and their book subsequently outsells my book. But then I have to remember that I'm probably the luckiest non-famous and non-rich person I know, so I get over it.

I get emails pretty regularly from people who ask how they can market their blog and get it take-off or whatnot, and I jokingly say the same thing: go back to 2003. I haven't done anything special, and it was really a matter of timing. Back then, blogging was alternative and cool – now, literally everyone has a blog. Literally every single person in the world. You might have to fact-check that, but I think it's true.

SYFFAL: (checks Google) Yep, every fucking person. Your story checks out. I hate to bring this up, but please explain why you have a stuffed animal of yourself? (ed. note: and it looks like Ted Dibiase)

JM: It was a gift. It is now a masturbation prop. I have no problem answering that question, and you should hate to ask me about it.

SYFFAL: You seem like a dude who gets annoyed easily. What bothers you more: people who insist on calling Atlanta "Hotlanta" or people who refer to their 30th birthday and its inevitable beer soaked suck fest as their "Dirty Thirty"?.

JM: Probably the "dirty thirty" thing. I feel like that expression is mostly used by women (have you ever heard a dude describe himself as in his "dirty thirties?") and I think there's that innuendo there about the sexual depravity that women reach when they hit 30 – or, more appropriately, when they get older. So while I'm annoyed by the term, I have no problem with the concept.

SYFFAL: Having the vast knowledge of living and bitching about both cities when you lived in them which do you find has the better music scene: NY or LA?

JM: I really can't comment on that because when I lived in LA I really, really didn't go out. I refused to drink and drive – I have this long-standing fear that because I've been so lucky in life, God is waiting for the perfect time to really Fuck me over – and I'm almost physically incapable of spending four or five hours in a bar and having two drinks. So I have to pass.

SYFFAL: With the success of your blog came a book deal and a failed TV development deal. Since then a twitter feed about made up shit someone's made up dad said was turned into a shitty TV show starring The Shat. Do you feel like you dodged a bullet?

JM: I have to be very careful here, for a number of reasons, but let me tell you this: THERE IS SO MUCH MONEY IN TELEVISION THAT NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. You can be a struggling TV writer but sell one pilot and then have enough to live off for a year or two. You can be a struggling writer and get a book deal and have enough to live off for a week, week and a half.

Also, just for the record, about 93% of TV development deals fail. So, I sucked, but so do a lot of others.

SYFFAL: CDRs and Mediafire mix-links are not as effective as mix-tapes when it comes to wooing the ladies. How should one effectively up the ante in this digital age?

JM: It's a shame, isn't it?

SYYFAL: It really is.

JM: My buddies and I were actually talking about this recently and I recalled that the last time I made a mix CD for a girl was in 2004. That's the same year I got my first iPod and before that I felt like a goddamn leper on the subway in NYC listening to my CD player, because I was late to the iPod party. But to answer your question, I don't know. In college and just post-college, my stellar taste in music was one of the few weapons I had in my arsenal, and all you needed was to turn a girl on to just one song and boom – you'd have that connection. But now, there's nothing.

That being said, in scenester music cities like NYC and LA, I'd almost be afraid to give a girl a mix-tape. Many people have such high music IQs, the girl could be like, "Oh, this 'new song' from this 'new band' you put here? Yeah, I saw them in a warehouse in Bushwick in 2007, and I was engaged to the drummer for five months in 2008. So, bye – you're probably better off fucking a girl who watches American Idol, anyway."

SYFFAL: Your blog roped me in with two key items: all of the public shaming you subjected yourself to and the semi-regular postings of your six song recommendations. That's what got you on our SYFFAL radar. Can you offer up some song recommendations now?

JM: Following up what I just said, I'm almost afraid to do this. You live in a LA and run a hip (so says you) music blog. You probably have a mustache and a collection of little hats. So if you're looking for hip/hot/new/blammo, I don't have much for you, but I'll try my best:

Wolf Gang - Back to Back (Demo): 

If I was dangerous for a living – like if I had a job as an assassin or something – I would Fuck to this song and this song only, all the time. Just a nasty little Fuck number.

The Staple Singers - If You're Ready: 

I recently bought the Stax 50th Anniversary Celebration collection off iTunes and the shit is blowing my mind. I have a playlist called "I Am a Middle-Aged Black Man," so I've always been a fan of 60's/70's/80's soul/R&B/funk, but this is like fifty songs of awesomeness. Now, there are some huge hits on there, but I'm most impressed by some of the lesser-known tracks, like this one.

Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit - Cigarettes and Wine (Acoustic):

I am in love and always looking to explore the genre that you could call country-rock or new country or indie-country – basically, I like anything that sounds country but doesn't include the word "truck" in the lyrics and was written by someone who took the SATs (I know the bar is low, so they don't have to have done well in the SATs, just to have taken them). Anyway, this is a really nice, quiet acoustic number, which reminds me of those live versions of Bruce Springsteen's "Jersey Girl."

Bad Veins - You Kill:

I'm a sucker for the "you wronged me, so I hope you get wronged" song.

The Clash - Police On My Back:

I'm going to London at the end of the month and I want this song to play the entire time. So much fucking fun, it's like a shot of adrenaline.

Tom Waits - Little Trip to Heaven (On the Wings of Your Love):

I recently re-discovered this one. My god, it's so goddamned lovely, I can't even stand it.

SYFFAL: A quick reader question from Del in LA: "Hey Fuckwad Can you tag your tumblr (hypocrite!) Music posts with a #sixsongs hashtag?"

JM: Done.

SYFFAL: This little exercise made me realize YouTube is the digital Age's MTV. Do you kind of feel like masturbatory teens are cheated now that they don't have to turbo charge through a Janet Jackson video before the program director would ruthlessly get a chance throw a Hootie and the Blowfish video on immediately after?

JM: Wait, are we talking about music or porn here?

Remember the HBO show "Real Sex?" I remember watching an episode when I was either in high school or college, and there was this segment on people who dress up as horses and get ridden. Like, there's a special "farm" or whatnot and they ride the people who are all done up as horses, with the bridles and saddles and everything, and that gets them so turned on that they then have sex, all of them, the horses and the riders. And I remember thinking to myself, "What the Fuck is wrong with these people? Plain old regular old sex is incredible. How can that not be good enough for them?"

Well, now I understand the horse people. In the past ten years, I've seen so much porn - specifically in the past two or three years, courtesy of RedTube and PornHub - that I get where the horse people are coming from. I'm over big-titted porn starlets. I'm over amateurs. I've gone through MILF phases, lesbian phases, gangbang phases, phases for every minority – you name it, and I've just about exhausted all the vanilla or somewhat vanilla forms of pornography. I'm not saying I'll be googling "horsey porn" tonight, but if this rate keeps up, I can't promise you that won't be the case by 2013.

SYFFAL: We recently interviewed Devo. What have you done?

JM: I also just interviewed Devo. So, that's weird.

SYFFAL: Since I described you to a friend as a hybrid of Chuck Klosterman and Tucker Max, I felt like I should really pigeon hole you by playing the Bill Simmons role to throw down some topical pop culture banter. Game?

JM: Yeah, but I might suck at this.

SYFFAL: Hottest woman in music right now?

JM: See? No idea. I just discovered Adele like a week ago.

SYFFAL: She's a pig!

JM: Not that she's hot, but that's how out of touch I've been lately. But I'd throw the hot dog down Katy Perry's hallway, but I'd have to stick my dick in saline afterward, as she's been with Russell Brand.

SYFFAL: True that. OK, let's go w/ your wheelhouse and hit the nostalgia poon. Who are your Of all timers?

JM: This one I can do better.

1) "Heaven Is A Place on Earth"-era Belinda Carlisle. Beautiful smile, that red hair, those boobies, that innocent-but-naughty look about her. God, what I would give to party with her.

2) Debbie Harry. On a recent flight to LA I watched a two hour concert documentary on Blondie and was pretty much hard the whole time. What I found most compelling about Debbie, aside from the skimpy clothing and general hotness, was that she's got this thick New York accent and these slightly crooked teeth which combine to give the impression that she will Fuck you in an alley when you leave a bar at 4am all coked up and it will be the greatest Fuck of your life.

3) Early Ann Wilson, when she had the bangs. Also, she has the sexiest voice of this three, in my opinion.

SYFFAL: Gas prices am I right?

JM: Not my problem. NYC 1, LA 0.

SYFFAL: Best song from a movie by a fake band?

JM: I could spend two days thinking about this and not get an answer.

SYFFAL: J-Dawg you break my heart sometimes. Moving on. ..
Samuel "Screech" Powers, saddest character in the history of TV? If he went into high school and said "you know what guys, can you just call me "Sam Powers from here on out" don't you think things would have turned out a little differently for him. Instead he stuck with Screech all the way through high school and college and then back at Bayside as the Smithers to Belding's Mr. Burns. He died a penniless virgin with no discernible skills not long after being terminated from Bayside when state budgetary constraints ruled that the sniveling, accident prone goof with a heart of gold job wasn't really needed.

JM: I'm not a SBTB historian over here, but did he choose his nickname?

SYFFAL: Dick of course not but he didn't try very hard to distance himself from the name…what with the constant screeching and the fro…

JM: You're called what you're called. I grew up with Jimmy the Muppet and Eddie the Nugget and Eclipse, among many, many others, and none of those guys had any say. So I don't think he's entirely to blame here.

It's like when parents name their kids one thing, but want them called another. Like, "his name is Joseph, and that's what we'll call him. We hate 'Joe.'" Well guess what? As soon as that kid gets to kindergarten, everyone's gonna call him Joe. So if you hate "Joe," don't name your kid "Joseph."

SYFFAL: I hear ya J-DAWG! Let's really find out what makes J-Dawg tick: Name the album that helps you chase the blues away as you drink a Bud Tallboy in the shower and masturbate for the 6th time of the day.

JM: When you're in the shower drinking a Bud Tallboy, there is no chasing away the blues – only wallowing in them. So, I'll give you my favorite all-time album for either getting plastered at home alone or getting plastered at some awful (and potentially dangerous) dive bar alone: The Stones' "Tattoo You." "Slave," "Worried About You," "Tops" – I mean, if these songs don't want to make you pick some smoky bar with bad lighting and drink warm, cheap whiskey, well, you and I are definitely not going to get married.

SYFFAL: Mumford and Sons: Hype or Hype?

JM: I think someone – I forget who and how, though I think it was on Facebook – put it best when they said, "Every Mumford & Sons song sounds like the same one song, but I like that one song." I'd pretty much agree with that statement.

SYFFAL: Obligatory Desert island question: One perfect movie is all you can bring with you. Realize that this movie will be the last lifeline to your humanity. It will need to have laughs, nudity, music, and some heart. What do you choose?

JM: The Big Lebowski. Done.

SYFFAL: Our site is not listed in your "Awesome Blogs" box on your blog. We are awesome, Please explain this oversight.

JM: Fixed.

SYFFAL: Please take the rest of the time and our page's real estate to tell everyone why we should buy your book.

JM: Isn't that your job in the intro?

SYFFAL: You lazy fucker just do it!

JM: Well, it's cheap, it has pictures, and it's funny. So says Mac from Always Sunny, John Hodgman, bunch of reviewers, and about 1/3 of the 600 people who bought it. So buy it (please), because I don't think the horsey porn equipment is going to come cheap.

SYFFAL: It won't.

Go get Jason's book now at Amazon and follow Jason's current misanthropic antics at the following sites:

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