Out of all the post rocking bands in all the world's bands posing as post rock poseurs, I find Goonies Never Say Die to be at the top of a short list of bands I would consider feeding with a robotic arm if they were hungry on the side of the road while I was in my minivan with the windows rolled up and the doors locked and a catholic priest hogtied on the roof.
Dynamically pornographic, technically insane, technologically advanced for Mexicans, musically inventive and insanely passionate about their aoli, GNSD are one of my favorite reasons to compliment a Frenchman.
If you haven't heard of Goonies Never Say Die, don't feel bad, many of the people in the very band I'm interviewing below had never heard of them. I hope to change that with this powerhouse of an interview. I mean, I've done some good'n's in the past, but holyFucksticks, this is Pulitzer shitz brah.
GNSD INTERVIEW GO:
SYFFAL: I've been obsessed with post-rock that doesn't suck for quite some time, mainly as a way to tune out all of the self-absorbed egotistical mouth-using that these rock singers use their mouth holes for all the timez. What is your excuse for not having a singer other than the fact that they start most fights and eat most of the pate at the craft table?
Goonies Never Say Die: We do have a singer, it's just that he is very small, so no one notices him, and he sings very quiet so you can't really hear him. He is called 'Wrong Terry'. We like people being able to take away experiences of their own from the music rather than be force fed someone else's story, plus we don't have anything interesting to say as evidenced in Barry and Dan's other band 'Dinosaurs Are shit Dragons' who use words about...well nothing
SYFFAL: What is your favorite aspect of tumblr porn? That it's free or that it's still relatively unknown in public circles? What is your favorite porn site?
GNSD: Is tumblr porn naked acrobats and that? Sounds good. Our favorite porn site is www.tinyeyeddrummers.com
SYFFAL: Yes, Tumblr is all about acrobats and gym ass and dicks. Would any of you ugly German Fucks ever consider bungee jumping for charity? Which charity?
GNSD: We are from Blackpool, it's considered Scottish (and proud) not German. We only bungee jump without bungee cords, that's the proper hardcore way none of this cowardly ropes business
SYFFAL: Whatever you fucking say you fucking Italian shitbirds. Why haven't you guys released any new music this week? Is there an intervention going on in Goonie-land that your fans should know about?
GNSD: We have released a lot of music, our spare time is spent writing and recording songs as Justin Bieber, now that that's over we have to now write and record as Duran Duran, we are allowed to record as GNSD again in a week on Tuesday. We will release an EP this year. Having been together 3 years and released 2 albums we think we (and the ears of the world) deserve a year off.
SYFFAL: You're all fucking selfish pricks, you fucking deserve to know that. What have you succulent orbs of self-deprecation been hiding these past few months? Six people want to know. Including me.
GNSD: Just the usual borderline alcoholism and exotic sexual acrobatics involving skeletons and apples, is heroin considered a drug? Maybe that too.
SYFFAL: For all of the people that don't know who the Fuck you are, and who have read this far, what are your names, what instruments do you guys play and what is your favorite flavor of imaginary condom flavors?
GNSD: fucking Barry on Guitar, fucking Paul on another Guitar, Bloody Jimi on the fucking Piano, Pissing Zube on the fucking Bass and Live fucking Visuals and fucking Kerr on the shitting Drums. Condoms are for people with dicks................hold on please don't publish that, it was a joke yeah?
SYFFAL: THERE ARE NO JOKES ON THIS WEBSITES. ONLY SERIOUSES. What are you Fucks listening to lately that you aren't embarrassed to mention? I'm loving the new White Denim, the new Bon Iver, the old Bon Iver and everything that Robyn has ever fucking created.
GNSD: Gangs by And So I Watch You From Afar, Crisis Works by Young Legionairre, Colours In Stereo by Moonlit Sailor (we have had them), Live Demos by Dinosaurs Are shit Dragons and Gloss Drop by Battles
SYFFAL: I will co-sign the ASIWYFA. fucking brill. Have you guys ever run into the problem that most post-rock bands run into and made everything way more complicated by creating long names and then making acronyms to explain or describe everything? What's the name for the need to use acronyms all the time? You can use an acronym here if you need to. YCUAAHIFNT.
SYFFAL: LMFAO. EMAYSP. (Eat my ass you Samoan Pricks) If I was to throw a party and asked you to pick up safety pins and ginger ale, would you pick up said items and would you ask me why I needed them? Are you going to ask me now?
GNSD: It's your party, it's not down to us to dictate what goes on, as long as there are jagerbombs, we are in...
SYFFAL: Jagerbombs helped conceive one of the twins that I made with my wife's vaginas. Five of you are arrested for steamwalking. Explain how you got into such a predicament. Explain steamwalking. And then prove to us you're not all dating each other.
GNSD: Steamwalking is the act of setting fire to ones another's anuses whilst gazing lovingly into each other's eyes, and we have no explanation sir, we dunnit fair and square. We cannot date each other as we are already betrothed to each other's dads.
SYFFAL: Betrothed. How awesome is the image of John Stamos in your head betrothed?
GNSD: Not as awesome as the image of Tony Danza, but slightly more awesome than the image of Tom Selleck. Is John Stamos the robot from Short Circuit?
SYFFAL: No. Think Jesse & The Rippers. Mmmmmm. Stamos... Have you guys ever considered putting out an album titled "Our Time. Down Here."? That would totally be awesome and stuff.
GNSD: We already have done, in our previous band 2 Unlimited, it's rare as rocking horse shit now.
SYFFAL: Speaking of carrots, what is your median age and what do you guys plan on doing when you grow up?
GNSD: We don't date anyone under 18, is that what median means? ...ah right in the middle age? Errr 26? When we grow up we plan on doing serious answers to interviews and not this toilet humour drivel that we have come out with so far?
SYFFAL: Are you asking me a question? What the Fuck is with the "u" in humor? Appffft. On a scale of 1 to 7 with 1 being Christmas alone and 7 being watching 7 sasquatches squatting after squandering all of their sasquatch sawbucks on squirrels and now living in squalor, how fucking awesome is SYFFAL.com?
GNSD: It's as awesome as a dinosaur's tits; in fact it's totally dinosaur tits.
SYFFAL: I agrees. Please tell us every website we should know about you here:
We have a MySpace but we don't go on it anymore, as it's shit
SYFFAL: Respekt. Please post every video you are proud of here:
SYFFAL: Please to eat my ass here:
GNSD: S--- C===B
SYFFAL: I LOVE YOU GUYS! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
GNSD: We love you too but you will have to leave in the morning, and we don't have a phone so we can't give you our number...