The Black Books have aroused my sensually sensible sense's sensibilities. Imitation lobster now tastes like purple, rice now tastes like maggots Michael, and wind in the willows sounds like carrots.
You can see I'm quite smitten with this fantasy world they've plunked me down inside of.
In fact, Tim wears pants year round in this land of lies. Normally, Tim wears pants maybe once or twice a quarter just to Fuck with people who think he's really John Goodman. He's feisty and jolly like that.
The Black Books, they bring out something dangerous in my imagination. And those who know me, know damn fucking well I don't need any boons in the imagination department. My imagination department is just fine thank you, and well, the Black Books, they're kind of like the porn that's still playing after I've already ejaculated.
Everyone nice and uncomfortable now? Hmmm?
SYFFAL: When you guys decided on a band name, how far down the list was My Skin Tab's Skin Tab?
Black Books: It was actually higher on the list, but it's already taken.
SYFFAL: Who the Fuck are you guys during the day when you aren't wearing masks? When you ARE masked and Black Booking, what instruments do each of you play? If you were a board game character, who would you be and why?
Me? I would be the blue butt plug from the game Sorry. Personal reasons.
Black Books: Mike works at parker brothers making sorry board games. He designed that blue butt plug. You're welcome. Everybody else is unemployed and lives with their parents. Ross sings and plays drums, Mike plays bass, Kevin plays guitar, Meg and Clarke hit buttons and keys.
SYFFAL: You all sound radically radical. I'm sure you'll all have diabetes very soon! Congrats!
Our racially sensitive SYFFAL snoop (RSSS) Tom sent me your delightful and racially sensitive musical EP. Ever since then I've refrained from calling Tom "Sally Prick Fingers" and have resorted to the less racially sensitive "Ginger Vas Defrens". What do you have to say to Tom for wearing a turquoise polo after a racially sensitive 4th of July?
Black Books: Look out for next racially sensitive EP, cinco de Mayo(nnaise)
SYFFAL: I'm an obsessed gay fan of Big Brother. Even if you've never seen this shitty ass piece of shit show, who would you rather bone: Lawon wearing a scarf on a well oiled swine or Shelly with a penis?
Black Books: Tom with a turquoise polo.
SYFFAL: How many pairs of designer shoes would it take to get the entire band to switch back to Judaism?
Black Books: We only wear Birkenstocks
SYFFAL: Did you actually take a picture of the words Fuck SYFFAL on a pile of puppies?
BEST BAND EVER!
Seriously, that's probably the creepiest, most sweetest thing anyone's ever done for SYFFAL. Besides of course the restraining order on Del from the band Futurecop!
OK, enough of the cute.
I recently saw one of my old neighbors who was completely terrified of fireworks after a purple-heart-worthy stint in Vietnam. His best piece of advice to me back when I lived mere feet from him was "Joel, if you ever get shot in the gut, no matter how many times someone offers you the bottle, don't drink hard liquor".
What is the best, albeit confusing and hard to imagine you using, piece of advice you've received in the last 7 weeks?
Black Books: Don't write checks that your butt can't cash
SYFFAL: Biff. Keeping in mind the number of testicles attached to the men who write for syffal.com, and the number of breasts of the women who write for syffal.com, what are the odds that one of those piles of genitals or breasticles has an odd number?
Which pile do you think has the odd number?
What would you call that person with one ball or one tit?
Uniball and Unitit have already been taken.
Black Books: There is a high chance that the three-titted interplanetary intern from total recall is there. And we forgot her name. Maybe total recall 3 boob lady. Or Tritty.
SYFFAL: Poetry. We are interviewing for a few open positions at SYFFAL headquarters. Please invent a position you would care to fill inside the SYFFAL offices and then explain why you were fired even before your benefits kicked in.
Black Books: Company-wide ribbon dancing coordinator.
SYFFAL: Your brand of mosquito indie chillgaze is quite endearing, what do you guys plan on doing once you realize that I'm your only fan and you have no chance of making it in the big league chew?
Black Books: Become your own personal juke box and call it a night.
SYFFAL: Where do you guys summer?
Black Books: Hampton Inn suite swimming pools.
SYFFAL: On a scale of 1 to carrots, how fucking awesome is SYFFAL?
Black Books: Actually your website is okay.
SYFFAL: CALM DOWN. What do you wish to promote to our drunken, lisp having readers? Shows, albums, animated series?
Black Books: Look for our new LP that will come out before 2012. And go listen to Royal Forest.
SYFFAL: WILL DO LADY AND GENTLEMANS!
Black Books: Thanks brosef.
SYFFAL: KNUCKS BRUH!