Our Interview with Big Once: United States Redbull Thre3style DJ Champion

I know Big Once. I know him inside and out (yes, that is code). I know his dietary habits. I know his lector schedule at church. I know his shoe size. I know his spirit animal.

Big Once is not only one of the most talented DJ muthafuckers I know, he's incredibly approachable and makes some of the most inricate friendship bracelets I've ever seen, or worn. Having spent a number of years seeing this guy ruin his own records in person, it's completely fucking fulfilling to see him get some national recognition.

If you didn't know, cause you are an assclown, Big Once just took the Redbull Thre3style DJ National Finals in Las Vegas. Yes, he murdered muthafuckers in an event filled with some of the best DJs in the fucking country. Big Once got so wicky wicky on those muthafuckers, three DJs have since quit DJing all together. And now everyone who knows anything, knows one fucking thing: Big Once is the best fucking DJ in the United States. And next month, maybe even the fucking world.

I asked Big Once's former bodyguard and orthodontist, Kid Static, about the event as it pertains to Once's participation and here is what he had to say:

Kid Static saw the whole thing because he was the tallest muthafucker there. So I believe him. Seeing as how I'm giddy as shit to share this guy's success with everyone else, I had to interview the muthafucker. Ready?

BIG ONCE INTERVIEW GO:

SYFFAL: Having won the Redbull Thre3style DJ National Finals in Las Vegas last Thursday, we've noticed your loins seem much much bigger. Is this because of the added awesome gleaming off of you as a newly crowned US Champion of rekkerds?

Big Once: Obviously. Well that, and I'm keeping my trophy in my drawlz at all times.

SYFFAL: Now that you're a winner. How do things taste different than just a few days ago when you were loserz?

Big Once: So much better. Being a loser my whole life was tough, but this Dunkin Donuts coffee tastes like gold today.

SYFFAL: Can you give us a simple play by play of how you fucking murdered everyone else in the competition using your Jew beard?

Big Once: Me and my bro DJ Vajra had the beard competition on motherFuckin lock in Vegas. DJ Jelly won the goatee battle though, put both of us to shame!

SYFFAL: Confirm or Deny: You were wearing a Jewish prayer shawl under your grey Henley dress shirt.

Big Once: You already know the answer to this.

SYFFAL: LA CHIAM! So your next battle for the inernational title is in December in Canada? How excited are you to finally get to drink fresh Moosehead? On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being "I'm totally planning on buying a Canadian Mounted Police hat so I can play dress up with my wife" and 10 being "After I fulfill every Canadian stereotype and prejudice, I will move on to insulting the Inuit/Eskimo tribes by scratching vinyl using only the word snow to scratch thereupon."?

Big Once: On a scale of 1 to 10, it's like a 46. And they make Moosehead in Vancouver??? OMG.

SYFFAL: Canada is like Illinois, everything is in Canada is in or near Vancouver like everything in Illinois is in or near Chicago. While in Vegas, did you eat at a breakfast buffet? Was there seafood? Did you eat said seafood? Did you regret eating said seafood after realizing crab legs and pancakes go together like meth and preschool snack time?

Big Once: Yes, me, my wife Erica and my husband Kid Cut Up hit the buffet at the Monte Carlo, after realizing the 2 hour wait at the Bellagio was NOT the move. Also none of us eat seafood, but the Chorizo scrambled eggs and herb rolls were better than the finest amphetamines your government check can buy.

SYFFAL: I would eat chorizo out of a garbage can filled with actual human shit and chinchilla entrails. We heard rumors that your wife was voted most beautiful woman in the United States just after my wife, Jules. Seeing as how we somehow bagged totally gorgeous broads as permanent arm candy, what would you like to publicly tell your wifepiece?

Big Once: Baby, thank you for being so beautiful and bangin, but more importantly for being so small. We packed her in the back seat of a Ford Focus with 5 suitcases, 2 DJ bags, a cooler, and full DJ setup for our LA-LV drive. This would not have been possible with a larger wife.

SYFFAL: My wife has actually found your wife in her pocket. Matter of fact, that's how they met. Your wife took a left when she should've taken a stay out of my wife's fucking pocket. The future of scratch battles seems to have changed since 2005, as what in the past was once the future is now the present and the present isn't as futuristic as we thought the future would be back then. Using only the English language, and clicks and whistles, what do you imagine the next few years of DJ battles will be like after experiencing world fucking domination in this arena?

Big Once: Click clack, clack clack, prrrrrrr

SYFFAL: Why did I know that was coming? Do you think, now that you've proven what most of us in Chicago already knew, that there will be a world tour with elderly DJ's that were once at the top of their game but have now suffered the wrath of hearing loss and arthritis in their wicky wicky fingers? Will QBert open for you so he can get some rest soon after?

Big Once: I can only hope so. Sidenote - I think I was the youngest DJ in the battle. As an elderly gentleman of 30, I'm usually the oldest dude in the club (minus the creepy owner and possibly a busboy)

SYFFAL: Since I planted that seed (yes, that is code), what would your dream DJ tour include as far as other DJs to tour with? The only person who cannot go with you, because I have him on a strip club tour of Florida, Mississippi and Georgia is Kid Cut Up. Consider him booked.

Big Once: I'd put Trentino, Boi Jeanius, and Shazam Bangles up there with Cut Up as the number one strip club rockers in the southeast. Consider them my supporting acts.

SYFFAL: Speaking of Kid Cut Up, what is it about him that makes everyone want him to get laid all the time? Is it his unique blend of adorable and delicious?

Big Once: Just look at the man. Now draw your own conclusions.

SYFFAL: One serious question: What the Fuck are you going to do with that huge serving plate they gave you as the trophy? House warming party platter for sausages wrapped in bacon is my suggestion.

Big Once: Consider your suggestion implemented.

SYFFAL: Consider yourself worthy of every nice fucking thing anyone has ever said about you. You are a talented muthafucker and every fucking person you know loves the fucking pants off of you because you're the fucking genuine article. And your cock is fucking ginormous.