Old Yeller'd - The Grammy's and the People Who Complain About Them

When I signed on to head up SYFFAL I had my lawyer provide mandatory rest and relaxation clause into my contract. Due to the nature of our business I have to take this time during the holidays, the NFL playoffs and the week leading up to the AVN Awards. This means I had off for the past 11 days and since he also added a caveat that Tom is responsible for the care, feeding and education of my children during this time, I was able to sit around on the couch watching TV in my nothing but some boxer briefs and my Capt. Lou Albano's Ugly Bartender T-Shirt from 1988. Sure the lady was pissed, but a man in my line of work needs to recharge the old battery from time to time and what better way to do that then by ignoring the wants and needs of your family while doing whippets and eating canned nachos?

Being that I spent so much time in front of the TV I was subjected to commercial after commercial for award shows. As a recovering music junkie this is always a dangerous time of year for me, I started getting edgy, abusive and downright fat. We quickly approached a cross-roads when I made an impulse purchase of He's The DJ, I'm The Rapper at a Brooklyn stoop sale. Luckily my lady friend called my sponsor, he was able to talk me off the ledge and give me some perspective.

Through our talks and long strolls in the park* I realized how little these shows matter, not only in my life but in the grand scheme of things. They are nothing more than industry circle jerks that award trends that were on the way out 3-5 years before they were hijacked by major labels that lost their way during the Clinton administration. If you look back over the past decade or so it is rare that the best acts/albums even get nominated, let alone win anything of substance. At this point it seems painfully obvious that these shows are nothing more than a big song and dance number to justify the existence of a business model that is obsolete and no show rallies behind this idea harder than the Grammy's.

*Yes this is code.

Historically The Grammy's have been an old man's club, always off, always missing the most exciting movements in music, eventually signing on about 5 years too late and then completely missing the boat when they do. The best example of this is when Jethro Tull beat Metallica for the album of the year, but that is just the peak in a mountain of bad judgment. Look into their treatment of hip hop, punk, electronic, and any of the other fringe cultures responsible for the biggest innovations in music over the past 30 years. They were able to coast for decades because pop music was actually enjoyable and the industry was run by music people instead of shareholders. As the industry changed from promoting art and artists to promoting a bottom line the Grammy’s have been exposed for what they are; cheerleaders for the status quo.

And you know what?

I have no problem with this, as it has become more and more apparent that The Grammy's are not about recording excellence I have grown to enjoy the show more and more. It is a collection of train wrecks, flash in the pans, touting the virtue of mediocrity and the occasional breath taking/inspired performance. I actually have no real problem with The Grammy’s; the fact that my tastes are not reflected has become a badge of honor of sorts. My issue is with the endless diatribes about how they suck or how artist x or album y should have been nominated.

Really?

Are we still pretending that this show, a show that airs on America's old peoples network** has any sort of feeling for the pulse of what matters?

**That's CBS for those of you who only watch TV on your computers.

Now I get kids getting riled up over it, shit I was all sorts of pissed that DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince had more Grammy's than Public Enemy and EPMD combined when I was 19 as well, but adults with jobs, families and real responsibilities need to grow the Fuck up. Getting upset about the best hip hop Grammy going to Ke$ha is like getting upset that Lebron left Cleveland for Miami. It is inconsequential to your world, unless of course you live in Cleveland, in which case Lebron is the least of your problems.

Seriously folks. The Grammy's probably could use the Old Yeller'd treatment but at this point why? It’s not like they are in pain, sure they are old and on death's door but they seem happy. And outside of the occasional bouts of gas and annoying Alicia Keys numbers they are harmless. The journalists, and worse, the nameless dicks on message boards that spend hours critiquing the minutiae of this self promoting hand job because their favorite act isn't reflected, well you fuckers are giving them the appearance of power, you are prolonging the life of this shit show and it is your attention that helps keep the ratings at a number that is semi acceptable to the networks. All you do is complain and pick on the slow kid, at least the Grammy's occassionally get it right.

You swine need to hop in the back of the SYFFAL pick up and take a ride out to the country with me. I have something I want to show you.

Click.

BANG!