I'm Hungry...and Feel Like Doing Something Stupid - Going Public

I just did it.

You've probably done it today. Maybe even twice.

And that's healthy.

I am, of course, talking about going to the bathroom at work.

Hopefully, in the bathroom.

Some of us suffer from a fear of public restrooms, or as it is commonly referred to in the streets, lutropublicaphobia. This mainly applies to urination, but I assume being afraid to pee in a public restroom means you are even more fearful of copping a squat to drop the lot at a rest stop amongst the unwashed masses somewhere along the New Jersey Turnpike.

This is where a heartless person would say "Get over it." I may be heartless to your emotional or spiritual needs, but I could never be so cold about matters of the making. I conducted a survey of nobody would talk to me my closest friends and learned that many people avoid doing the deuce at their place of work. This is entirely understandable since most office buildings have one commode per 324 employees and nothing is worse than a warm toilet seat. It's even worse for anyone who works at a restaurant and has to share a bathroom with paying customers. First they jip you on the tip, then you're forced to wander into the waft of their waste. Great shift!

Statistically speaking, lutropublicaphobia is a very common phobia among males. That makes me feel like less of a creep because I have stage fright and can't squeeze a drop at urinals. I'll seek out a stall like a desperate roach scurrying from the light BECAUSE NOBODY IS GONNA SEE MY PENIS BUT ME.

And your mom. I don't mean that as an insult, she's a long time coworker and has a bad habit of wandering into the men's room at work. Ok, that part was an insult.