Our Interview with Elsphinx: I'm like a flaccid wacky straw

I love Elsphinx.  

No seriously, I love that little fucker. He makes the kind of rap music that makes me want to set fires and wet my bed. It is raw and gorgeous. He's a nasty lyricist with a flare for impressive rhyme patterns and sunglasses.

What's not to like?

There is so much to like about Elsphinx that I was able to break it into a top 15 things I like about Elsphinx list

Ready? Top 15 Things I Love About Elsphinx:

1. He is totez adorbs
2. He is pocket sized
3. He smells like Lucille Ball
4. He knows all the words to the Screaming for Vengeance album by Judas Priest
5. He might be the love child of the chubby Pete from The Adventures of Pete and Pete and the country of Norway
6. You can get high just standing in the same room as him
7. His shoes are surgically attached
8. He is an underwear model for Men's Warehouse
9. One time he fought the band Winger and won
10. He has an impressive collection of colorful tank tops
11. He may or may not be related to Jane Lynch
12. He sounds like he is either Dominican or Irish, he is neither, he is Korean
13. When swimming, he tends to do the breast stroke
14. His drink of choice is gasoline
15. All of his clothes are florescent, just like his thoughts.

See what I mean? He is the tits.

Our Interview with Elsphinx starts now!

SYFFAL: Our readers are best known for their keen understanding of USA Today graphs about the belief in angels and their extensive wardrobe from Kohls but for some reason they have turned to us as their go to source for new music. So help us help them by answering the following: Who the Fuck are you?

Elsphinx (E): Hi, I'm elsphinx. Humanitarian, philanthropist, sunglasses aficionado, sharp dresser, supreme rapperguy, future orb of pure energy. 

SYFFAL: How would you describe your style?

E: It's like that one time in college when you had to babysit your dorm mate and reassure him that the iridescent jellyfish were harmless while simultaneously translating all life as a direct result of vibrations from the lower fourth dimension, featuring cheech wizard and a bunch of boobs.

SYFFAL: Are your sunglasses so big because you are short or because they are ladies sunglasses?

E: Short stature considered, I have an uncharacteristically large head. I've always been under the impression that I was purchasing unisex sunglasses from whatever shit splattered gas station I may be at on any given day, but I also have no eyes.

SYFFAL: Dude. Seriously, I am fucking jealous of your style. I fancy myself a decent rapper but when I hear some of the word combinations and styles that you drop my boys climb up in my belly to seek warmth and protection. What is your approach to writing your raps and if you could put it in a pill what would the street name of said pill be?

E: Sometimes after a lengthy meditation I will channel beings called "catacomb dwellers" for automatic writing. They usually don't ever shut the Fuck up. Most times I will ramble endlessly in a certain vocal pattern, add words that make sense, and splash the salt & pepper of tough slang. The pill would contain rare peruvian tree bark and would be marketed as "Kayla Orsell"

SYFFAL: Speaking of your rap style, fucking Hazmat, Jesus Christ it is good. In my review I said: 

"With Hazmat Elsphinx has painted a perfect introduction to his world, which is apparently a world filled with introspection, booze, LSD and bitchin' sunglasses."
Is this more or less what you were going for? If not what were you hoping to achieve?

E: You're making me blush. For an introduction, that would be an appropriate summation. I wanted to give listeners an opportunity to peer into the window of my mind before diving in mouth first.

SYFFAL: Our mutual friend Mitchell told me that Hazmat is a remaster of an album from a few years back as a reintroduction to Elsphinx and that you are currently working on a new album, what can we expect from the new album, and how will it be different from Hazmat?

E: The new album will remain somewhat in uniform with Hazmat, while further exploring more introspective slants. We're calling it "Brain Cave Deluxe". It's like the fourth hour in, where everything becomes more frightening and fascinating. Ultraviolet barracudas gnaw at your flesh, and it just regenerates. Hazmat is the brochure, this next one is the destination.

SYFFAL: I have a theory that all rappers have Aspergers. Prove me wrong rain man.

E: I too have a theory that there are more rappers than there are actual human beings. According to my countless hours of scrupulous research, Aspergers affects 6 out of every 1,000 children. These same sources also estimate that there are 5,000 rappers for every 1,000 children. Since most rappers are Nag Champa loving vegan-sandal enthusiasts, the phonetic pronunciation of "ass burgers" frightens them to no end. I believe this to be adequate information to disprove your theory.

SYFFAL: I have another theory that all rappers are basically unemployable, lets play a little game, it's called interview. I will ask a series of questions and tell you if you got the job: What is the highest level of education you completed? (if you completed college on a scale of 1-10 how "english lit" was your major?)

E: I was expelled from high school in my senior year following a tampon incident involving the hot science teacher, Ms. Rorick. Pretty sure she still isn't Mrs. Rorick. I then attended two semesters of community college where I spent most of my time ingesting copious amounts of untested chemicals and trolling the hallways soliciting footjobs from the lady salutatorian types before dropping out and inducing a four-year lucid sleep. Academia is useless.

SYFFAL: What are your responsibilities at your current job?

E: My duties include but are not limited to: infiltrating Phish shows under assumed aliases, guiding the locals through spiritual enlightenment, scotch, answering the phone with the big red button in an urgent manner, general maintenance, and rotating stock.

SYFFAL: Tell me about a time you had to do something for someone else that wasnt part of a ploy to get some pills out of their grandmothers bathroom?

E: I once drove a homeless train jumper through Albany to procure a sheet of Garbage Pail Kids blotter acid, demonstrating a selfless, entrepreneurial spirit.

SYFFAL: Are you now or have you ever been a rapper?

E: Yes. Willing to explain further upon request

SYFFAL: You and I only met once, but we know a lot of the same people. If we were to ask our shared friend which one of us is lengthier and which one is girthier what do you think their answers would be?

E: Fairly certain I would own the length category. I'm like a flaccid wacky straw. And I dress to the left, so my right calf is very muscular due to overcompensation. You win the girth bracket, because I'm not selfish.

SYFFAL: Dude, PJ Katz, the cutest or what?

E: Totez adorbz. A musical virtuoso.

SYFFAL: Describe your style through your influences as a rapper using the metaphor of a key party, who would be the following: The uncomfortable participant who becomes a crying heap of humanity after understanding what love is?

E: Andre 3000

SYFFAL: The angry spouse forced into said party as a means to try and save their marriage?

E: Didn't this really happen to Nas? Nas.

SYFFAL: The kids who find photographic evidence of their parents devious lifestyle?

E: Young Black Teenagers

SYFFAL: The participant who falls in love with their neighbors spouse and eventually kills said spouse?

E: Hurricane Gee

SYFFAL: Please promote anything you would like to promote you dreamy prick.

E: My high school reunion is in three months. Ms. Rorick, if you're reading this, I'll be the gentleman with oversized sunglasses wearing the white corsage on my left lapel. www.pigfoodrecords.com