Dick Says: Dick's Danger Dawgs 'n Palomas

It is summertime once again. Chances are you've probably had some serious thoughts into barbecuing and fulfilling all of your weird Will Smith-oriented fantasies that have been cooped up in your brain since it was sleeting ice in March. If you are reading this, then chances are you aren't outdoors. Go outside. Fire up that barbecue. If you do not have a barbecue or appropriate quarters for barbecuing, contact your nearest available brah and inform him that he will be hosting a brahbecue today. Since I'm telling you what to do, I might as well instruct you on what will be on the menu. Dick's Danger Dawgs washed down with some tasty Palomas is what you brahs are gonna consume. You should probably cue up "The Chronic" before you start all of this.

Take some dawgs, start roastin' em. When the dawgs are approximately 82% the way cooked (or approximately when "Let Me Ride" begins), delicately make a lengthwise incision through the center of each dawg. A scalpel would sound logical, but if your surgical instrumentation is limited, a pointy knife and/or box cutter will suffice. Place hunks of cheese into the freshly made cavity. Grab some sliced avocado wedges and place them thangs into the bed of (now beginning to melt) cheese. Roast them shits up until the cheese is fully melted and the dawg is adequately cooked for consumption. Remove dawgs from cooking contraption, place them on a bun of choice, then slather on a thin layer of Sriracha Thai chili sauce to any exposed dawg flesh. BAM you got yourself some infamously quasi-gourmet Dick's Danger Dawgs. "Nothin' but a 'G' Thang" should now be starting. 

DON'T TAKE A BITE OF THAT DAWG YET! You gotsta wash that stuff down. You presumably want to enjoy a cool, delicious beverage that will accentuate the perfectly seared dawg meat and spices. Time for PALOMAS! A Paloma is a little-known distant cousin of the chupacabra in parts of northern Mexico – don't let anyone infer otherwise. A drink with the very same name was concocted when villagers of a small town captured the elusive beast and coaxed it to reveal its secrets. The Paloma was rather useless, as it did not understand the constructs or complexities of human language – so the people cut their losses and came up with this badass drink named after the beast in question.

To make a Paloma drink, get a hold of some grapefruit soda (the cane sugar Mexican brands work best, but Squirt is a close substitute), some silver tequila, and a dozen limes. Squeeze the limes and make a half cup of lime juice for each drink you wish to make. It is going to take a while to do this, so you probably should've had your helper brah assist with this back when "Fuck Wit Dre Day" was playing. 

Once you squeezed enough lime juice to supply the desired amount of drinkage you hope to accomplish (or if you simply cannot stand the excruciating wrist pain from repetitive stress), toss in about 6oz of grapefruit soda and a shot of tequila per drink. If you want to get fancy and impress affluent members of your desired sex (maybe your brah is a special brah), then garnish with a chunk of lime and toss in an ice cube or two.

BONUS: Want to procure some tequila for a reasonable price but don't want to end up with the stuff that will give you dysentery and end up ralphing blood in your laundry basket? Depending on the state and local availability, hit up your local warehouse store for the lowest prices around town. Due to some obscure, archaic law, you are apparently allowed to purchase silly juice at warehouse stores without any need of membership – just let them know of your booze-focused intentions when you strut your cheap ass into the store.

You now have all the fixins for a good time! Invite some more brahs! Enjoy yourself, but above all, ensure that you fully savor these fleeting moments of warm weather and explosive flavors while you still can. Some day you will grow too old and decrepit to appreciate the likes of Dr. Dre paired with spicy food. Please kill me when that happens.