Dick Says: I Dig the Sh*t out of Chicago in the Summer

Disclaimer: there is a chance you read the title as "this guy literally removes feces from the city of Chicago during the summer months as some sort of hobby or weekend job". Let me assure you that this is no longer the case and that my shit-diggery is now a year-round ordeal.

I was bred and raised in the Midwest. It should come to no surprise that there exists a laundry list of aspects that I cannot stand about said geographic region. The most notable of such aspects is the weather. The weather is hot and humid as the average bear's asshole during the summer and cold and shitty for the rest of the year. According to my approximated calculations, there are roughly 184 hours during each calendar year which make me want to not kill myself and/or live in some sort of sterile, climate-controlled geodesic dome. Think Epcot center, but populated with herds of red panda and barbecues every afternoon.

Much to my relief, the fine city of Chicago has decided to make up for their unfortunate climatic handicap by being pretty bitchin' during the warmer months through various means. I suppose it is to give its residents a "light at the end of the tunnel" to consider while they begrudgingly shovel mountains of snow off of their vehicles (inevitably leading to the uncovering some frozen hobo corpse... someday).

Dick's Sick List:

1. Chicago has a metric assload of festivals. There is shit going on every weekend. Pitchfork, Do Division, Wicker Park Fest, Taste of Chicago, West Fest, Ribfest, Pigfest, Wigfest, Figfest. THERE ARE A LOT OF FESTS. The "-fest" entry fees are typically free or extremely reasonable and you can usually get some tasty food to eat while taking in a healthy plethora of live music. Let's also not forget about the merchants selling all sorts of eclectic handmade goods. Last year I bought a novelty plate for my cat and this year I very well may buy another.

2. You can get outside and get radical. There are many opportunities to roll around on personal transportation devices which contain two or more wheels. Chicago is pretty fuggin flat and bike friendly. You can scoot on over to the many delicious eateries, get fat, and then try and peddle your ass home whilst trying not to barf up that extra slice of deep dish you ate like the shameless piglet you are. On top of bicycle accessibility, Chicago also has a number of free and public skateparks. I live a short distance from one and it is really spectacular. Best of all, after a grueling session of riding the ramps, messing around on rails, and getting schooled by kids half my age, the ice cream cart dude comes jingling by with his delectable, frosty wares.

3. Kuma's (fucking) Corner. Kuma's is a legendary metal-themed bar known for ridiculously gourmet burgers, redonkulously massive beer options, and a recockulously long table wait time. If you've even stepped foot within the Chicago city limits without having experienced one of their burgers, then your priorities are beyond fucked and you really need to re-evaluate what you're doing with your life. Summertime for Kuma's means they no longer take to-go orders and open up their back patio for dining, which effectively to doubles their dining capacity. While the wait time for a table at Kuma's can be considered a detractant, such a burden is significantly lessened with their summertime schedule implemented. I can't think of anything that tops consuming a 10oz specialty burger named after a grindcore band and swigging an obscure 9% ABV craft beer - all while outside.

4. Holy shit free concerts! For virtually the entire length of summer you can waddle your ass downtown to Millenium Park and see about a billion awesome bands FO FREE! Best of all? The shiz is BYOB and you can get your slant on while laying in the grass without worrying about looking too ruffianesque. Just whatever you do, DO NOT ATTEND ON SATURDAY, JULY 16th BECAUSE JOEL WILL BE PERFORMING WITH HIS BAND The OPUS THERE AND GOD KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

Dicks Closing Thoughts TM: Chicago is a lot of fun when it is warm out and really makes up for the cold, crappier months. Being the youthful WASP that I am, I feel like I can really stick with the city livin' because of all the fun things made available. Parts 5 through infinity may come in future installments, so stay tuned. Right now I have go buy new bed sheets because there is cat poop in my current ones!