Dick Says - Those Smelly, Neon-lit Caves Built Character, Damnit

Are you pretty busy today? You're about to read several hundred words about how the near extinction of video arcades is turning today's youth into deprived, antisocial turds. Watch this video of a dude getting his blast on with a MIDI-triggered drumkit playing the Space Harrier song and mull over your decision as to whether or not you really want to go through with this:

You still on board? AWESOME.

The concept of an arcade is absolutely fucking fantastic and it's a complete shame that it has not been able to sustain the test of time in Western culture. During the golden years of arcade gaming, any edifice containing these magical contraptions was a location where social gatherings and great times could be consistently had. Generation X-er dudes could simultaneously bro out over Mortal Kombat strategies and impress babes with their sick Galaga skills under a single roof.

"Dick, arcades died because of HURFFFF THE GAMING REVOLUTION and Pac Man was a ripoff, anyway..."

First, Fuck you. Second, allow me to clear up some common misconceptions about arcade game gripes:

Home consoles were cheaper, superior alternatives aka "My old Playstation also had X-Men vs. Street Fighter, and it was the exact same as the arcade version!" aka WRONG AS Fuck! More often than not, shit got ported to home systems in a rushed manner by separate/outside development teams. The crap you got at home was commonly chopped up, watered down, and missing key gameplay mechanics which made the arcade originals so goddamned well-crafted. Imagine if you went to buy your favorite band's latest record and it ended up being some weird cover band playing all of their songs inside a metallic trash can. That is what a lot of home ports were like.

Top of the line computing platforms were designed for arcade games to bring the most flawless experience possible at the time. The massively detailed graphics and high-fidelity sounds present on the arcade versions were often heavily down sampled and reduced to fit on the restricted, budget-oriented home hardware. While post-millennial game consoles began to catch up with what was available in the arcades, you often couldn't come near the shit that required quarters back in the 80's and 90's.

The games were too hard and just vacuumed my money aka "I am a moron and just want to waggle a joystick aimlessly." I'm going to save my ranting about how most of today's games in general are wussified shells of their former selves. If some clown walks into his local chain game store these days, plunks down a crinkly Grant for some formulaic "mash button 'A' to win the game" shooter and has a great time - so be it...

HOWEVER, the difficulty curves found in arcade games are a significantly different beast altogether. Arcade titles were carefully tweaked and formulated to provide a lengthy, enjoyable experience for a mere quarter - provided the player sat down and gave it an honest try on a consistent basis. Progressing to a new stage or performing a perfect run brought a level of satisfaction and respect that is fairly unheard of anymore in contemporary gaming. Those blinking "extra life at 10,000 points" messages existed for a distinct purpose. It was completely feasible for a player to get a good, long session in off of a single credit, but only if had he paid his dues and practiced regularly. Taking time to analyze and adapt to specific game mechanics was a must.

Anyhow, let's move on and discuss the fact that it wasn't just nerds, dweebs, and certain subsets of dorks who hung out at the 'cade:

Look at how funky those adolescents are! It is evident that if you were a teen and/or were interested in scamming some cigs off of Sam Rockwell in his early years, then glowing arcade cabinets would undoubtedly be surrounding you wherever you went.

Chillin' at the pizza place? WHAM! four player Gauntlet cabinet.

Gettin' snacks at the local 7-11? BIZZOW! Stand-up version of After Burner.

Waitin' around the mall for your (lame) mom to pick out clothes at Penny's? BOOM! Jeff Fuckin' Spicoli shirtless, blazed out of his gourd and playing Asteroids.

Perceived radness aside, incentives for young people to get out of the house and interact with peers of various ages are becoming scarcer and scarcer nowadays. Half of the reason to hit the arcade was to simply watch and talk shop with fellow players in hopes of picking up some new strategies or tips. Congregating in a public place with common interest between young minds forced some sort of mutual understanding and social order. I can recall what would be considered otherwise unruly 11 year old classmates of mine waiting patiently in line for their turn at the new Street Fighter iteration. These were the same soulless cretins who had gloriously smeared feces all over the boy's bathroom at school just the other month. Some pizza-faced wiener kid can cuss you out all day over your pay-to-play online console service these days, but standing next to your opponent in front of a Neo Geo cabinet tends to enforce significantly humbler attitudes.

Dick's Closing Thoughts™: Obviously, arcades have not died out entirely, but trying to find one that has more than a handful of busted-ass lightgun games and some ticket machines is damn near impossible. With a little bit of research, you can find some specialty businesses which run restored games from the days of yore (if you're really lucky, they might even offer the option of getting boozed up, too), but the innovation and excitement of new titles taking the public by storm is dried up. Most importantly, a trademark locale which fostered many positive memories and bonding experiences for youth has all but faded away... and that is a damn shame.