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Auditory Umami
au·di·to·ry [aw-di-tawr-ee, -tohr-ee-]
adj also auditive [aw-di-tiv]
of or relating to hearing, the sense of hearing, or the organs of hearing. Umami is a loanword from the Japanese umami (うま味?) meaning "pleasant savory taste". Combine these two ingredients and you have my sporadic column on all things that go bleep, boop, and beep. Residing in the Department of Creativity(D.C.) I'm reporting on the front lines of an underground culture that is quickly becoming the mainstream. Pay attention, stay tuned.
Dick Says
Dick is a metal-head. His bedroom dresser is diamond plate, his wallet chain is made of the pelvic bones of many a rodent, and his knuckles are tattooed with the phrase SHAY POOS, which in Norwegian (the romantic language of Black Metal) means "Eats Fetuses".
Tag along as Dick tells us all about being extremely caucasian in his bi-weekly (AND WE DO MEAN BI) column, Dick Says.
I'm Hungry and Feel Like Doing Something Stupid
Tim wants a blurb about my weekly piece, "I'm Hungry... And I Feel Like Doing Something Stupid."
I got your blurb right here.
I get zooted, then write about whatever comes to mind. Turmoil in foreign countries. The parallel between Charlie Sheen and Dave Chapelle. Assassination attempts by shrimp.
See you every Friday at 3:30 pm.
Laugh At What I Love
Have you ever been on a train, or in an airport, and looked over at a stranger's iPod? Were they listening to something that made you feel better about your taste in music? Every week Brendan Ryan waxes poetic about the painfully mainstream music he loves, and hopes you will too.
Look What I F*cking Made
Nicolas Heller is talented. His music videos are the work of angels (if high on mescaline and taupe or autumn sunburst colored paint huffs). But what we didn't know before we hired him as the office pornographer was that he's made dozens of short movies that are equal parts hilarious, inventive and Peruvian.
Join us as SYFFAL celebrates the life and times of Nicolas Heller and his production company, aka Ricky Shabazz and the Boom Bap Boys, in a weekly segment we call LOOK WHAT I FUCKING MADE!
Love Dad
Joel Frieders is a loving father of 3 assholes. He loves his assholes unconditionally. And if they allow him to retire at an early age due to their proficiency in professional sports or day trading, well, he will love them even more. Ride along as Love, Dad takes aim at everything that pisses him off. No topic is off limits. No limit is of topics. Watch as even the simplest things piss him off to the point of unconsciousness.
Music Ruined My Life
Tim Baker is a giant piece of shit. Fortunately, he is extremely awesome and one of our favorite spokesman for the constipated, who don't have a voice because they are on the shitter. Let's take a voyeuristic peek inside one of the internet's most sensually dilapidated grifters, as he tells us why music ruined his fucking life. WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP TIM! YOU'RE A HOSER!
New Fangled Old Stuff
Grandpa Lou is miserable. He's cranky, self-loathing, Mexican... Add all of those things up and you have a recipe for rice and beans.
Grandpa Lou is also a hate filled monster of disdain upon the very generation he lives inside of. Join the Grandpa Lou, the Grump-a, as he shits on everything in his way with New Fangled Old Stuff.
Story of My Life
Every Tuesday Roy takes a trip down memory lane & usually wraps his old '88 Ford Escort around a mailbox or two dozen. Follow along as his musical lineage opens doors into a past that would have otherwise been impossible to conjure due to his iron lung status & fear of permanent residence at the Cook County Jail.
Single White E-Mail
Single White E-Mail - Tim Baker is a man obsessed, obsessed with the dreamy eyes and heart strung music of Hurt Valley. This obsession lead him to track down Brian Collins the brains and the brawn (right ladies?) behind Hurt Valley. The two have developed a bond over their email exchanged that the court has ordered Mr. Baker make public as to warn his neighbors of his stalking tendencies and to show what a dream machine Brian Collins is. Disclaimer: Tim Baker is not allowed within 1000 feet of Brian Collins.
Youtube Youterin Younicorn
Chaz Kangas, in addition to having to die for curly jew hair, is a hilarious planet of jew humor (jumor) orbiting around a sun made of wispy back hair, caramel flavored carmel, and epic guitar solos played to save one's soul against the devil (EAT SHIT STEVE VAI!). Chazzy-poo drops some srrrious knawledge on fools with a you tubin' good time feel in Youterin Youtube Younicorns!