ONCE AGAIN OUR FRIENDS IN ME LIKE BEES ARE PROVIDING THE CROSS COUNTRY GIGGLES AND KEEPING US ABREAST OF THEIR BREASTS AS THEY TOUR THE UNITED STATES AGAIN BECAUSE THEY'RE ONE OF THE BEST BANDS NOT (VISIBLY) ON PERCOCET + LEAN. WE LOVE YOU TIM, LUKE, J-THRILL, PETE, AND PETE'S ALTER-EGO "POPPA PETE: THE CAUTIOUS KITTEN".
7/14/17: They say you can’t see much of this beautiful country if you never leave the highway and they are absolutely fucking correct. CAN’T. SEE. SHIT. Indiana looks just like Illinois. Missouri smells just like Kentucky and all Love’s Truck Stops have a McDonalds and Subway attached to it like a cancerous tumor. I made the best of my time today by building storage compartments out of gaffers tape, reading a small book, listening to the entire discography of “Hot Snakes” and trying not to fart.
Pete and Luke are listening to S-Town, a podcast by This American Life and a spin off of Serial. Jake is watching the music video to “Stan” by Eminem on constant loop, a blatant cinematic masterpiece. Very little interaction goes on in the van and I’m okay with it. We’ve been a band for about 8 years now and much like a marriage that’s aging we have very little to say to each other. Maybe I should buy some lingerie? Do you think they think about other drummers when I’m playing? I’ve definitely gotten fatter since I’ve joined the band…
We pulled in to Akon, Ohio about Three AM just in time to get pulled over by the cops for a failed license plate light. Jake got called Ma’am. It was savage.
A post shared by Timothy Cote (@slut_parade) on Jul 13, 2017 at 11:24am PDT
Tour 2017.07.13: Tonight we are in Kingston, NY at the BSP. Kingston feels like an interesting tourist town that’s way too cool for me. Filled with Organic Vegetable farmers, antique shops and $5 tacos they are the proverbial Henry Winkler to my Ron Howard; speaking only of Happy Days as opposed to Arrested Development. The women all wear dresses that suggest they are upper middle class but the tattoos and hairstyles suggest they are older millennials who invest using the Stash App and pray regularly to their YouTube based god, Gary Vaynerchuk. The stage is bejeweled with fake crystal necklaces. I’m currently drinking a brand-less red wine out of a plastic glass. This is truly the kind of place that makes me want to do a bunch of drugs and pay a hooker. It's straight out of a Leonard Cohen song.
Like many Muslims pray facing the city of Mecca, Jake watches every episode of The Office facing Scranton Pennsylvania. Today we took baby boy on a pilgrimage to the Michael Scott Holy Land to see the great statue of the “Welcome to Scranton” sign. The mall itself was pretty disappointing. As outsiders, we started to imagine business ventures that would capitalize on its fame to the NBC network television series enthusiasts, as if we were some authority on the subject. Some older gentleman was making fun of Jake's enthusiasm and called him Ma’am. It was savage.
July 15, 2017
After playing to a packed crowd of tens of people, we treat ourselves to an episode of the Dr. Dre / Jimmy Lovine documentary mini series “The Defiant Ones.” Pleased that this hotel offers free HBO, I am convinced that this was a safe place to sleep. I drift off to sleep praying that there will be breakfast.
My prayers were answered in the form of a classy diner next to the hotel. The place is covered in mirrors. Coffee cups are served on a saucer complementary to a display case of what must have been thirty different pies. “I’m going to eat the fuck out of that pie” I mutter to myself as I start salivating at the sight of a peanut butter silk pie. I try to hide my obvious food boner. “This is the kind of place my mom would bring her sorority sisters” I think out loud as I look around noticing the obviously dated decor.
After a hearty breakfast; Pete and I huddle around the van trying to figure out how the cover to our License Plate Light Bulb comes off. It was a many time indeed with various “what the fucks” and hypothesis about how Ford must be bullshit. The only thing missing was beer.
We drive an hour and a half to the next dream destination of Utica, another city famed for its references in the NBC hit sitcom “The Office.” We kill some time by going to the mall. Pete naturally gravitates towards the H+M, the only fashion store that makes you look and feel like a Chainsmokers song. Luke, Jake and I head towards the attached Target because the only thing we’re searching for is Jake’s dream date with a hot mom. Everyone know the hot moms are at Target.
Once we’re done at the mall we decide to watch the new Planet of the Apes movie as a family. Like most things you do with family, it was boring and disappointing. The guy at the box office called Jake “Ma’am.” It was savage.
A post shared by Timothy Cote (@slut_parade) on Jul 14, 2017 at 10:27pm PDT