5. Some people take parenting way too fucking seriously.
When I was a kid, I honestly don't remember many other parents. Like I remember that one dad was a drunk and we couldn't talk sports or politics without him throwing a High Life can at our heads. I remember one dad was a minister and we had to watch our language. One mom was a basketcase and we could pretty much get anything out of her food/treat/toy-wise without too much trouble or scheming.
But I don't remember seeing this many asshole parents when I was walking amongst those potentially in the category to be "parented by assholes".
Now that I am a parent, I see a lot of traits in other parents that make me want to strangle them or stab their necks with a syringe full of Drain-o. The most notable of these qualities is the parents who take the job way too fucking seriously.
For instance, when a teacher tells me my kid hit somebody I don't immediately rush to his defense, I gather facts and react accordingly, remembering that he's a fucking kid. Asshole parents react with an immediate nose in the air and a "I'M OFFENDED AT THE INSINUATION" as if their kid could never be an asshole. Let's face the facts, kids can be assholes and it's the parent's job to tame down the assholeness of the child so future encounters can be less assholish.
Kids hit other kids, kids bite other kids, kids don't listen to teachers - whatever, my kid does all of those. I don't take it to heart when my kid acts out because kids need to learn that being an asshole isn't fucking cool.
But these asshole parents must've had asshole parents when they were little assholes, that's all I can think of.
4. Parenting IS politics.
At home you democratically barter with your child to do certain things: Take one more bite and you can watch Dora. Wash you hands and you can have some goldfish. Put your underwear on and stop wagging the dog and you can go outside and play. Why do you do this democratically? Well, because the parent that always yells and makes demands like a dictator is one day written about in rap songs as a fucking fuck and always-yelling parents are fucking pricks to be around.
At day care or school you have teachers and other parents to deal with politically. You might hate Sally's mom cause she smells like porpoise vagina and makes a ticking sound with her mouth prior to and after speaking to people. But if you acted on that hatred, well, maybe she takes it out on your kid somehow and he doesn't get a fucking cupcake at her kid's birthday party, or invited at all for that matter. You hold your fucking tongue with other people cause you don't want to give anyone any fucking reason to fuck with your kid, your kid can fuck up his or her own shituation they damn self.
This also applies to vaccinations and other things you are forced to complete before allowing your kids to attend school or daycare. I don't care to get into the debate over their safety, but I do admit they freak me out. I also know that fighting that fight can place my kids in a light that most parents who rant and rave about the dangers of vaccinations don't realize. Your kids could become pariahs in their own daycare/school just because you got loud/weird/hippie on the director over your rights as a parent/American/person with babymaking parts.
The reality is, you can do things at your doctor's office to lower the potential for potential risks from vaccinations, but at school or daycare, shut the fuck up, hand over the forms signed by your doctor, and move the fuck one.
Politrickski.
3. Walking in bare feet is fucking over dude.
When we had our first kid we would clean up after every meal the little fucking pig sprayed and spilled all over the kitchen. When the twins danced out of wifey's vagina and started sitting in their high chairs at dinner, we learned something else.
We don't give a fuck what's on the floor as long as it isn't ant season, people aren't coming over and it won't grow overnight.
The moisture factor impacts the decision to clean up the kitchen floor like you wouldn't believe. Yes, rice on the floor is fucking annoying because you can't wipe it up, it smears, then it attaches to your fucking elbows and dries in place in the carpet and is now a permanent fixture in your house. If you wait till the next day, or even the next day after that, the dustbuster works to suck it uip, or the kids will crawl over there and eat it up for you anyway.
The same goes for Cheerios. Once you get over the fact that the box doesn't say "FOR BABIES WHO CAN SIT UP!" and start feeding teething babies cheerios instead of those puffs (what I call "rapepuffs" for what they do to my fucking wallet) you'll see a box of Cheerios last 5 days longer than one tube of puffs for a third the cost. Well one thing that babies do is shove things in their mouth and let them fall back out. If a Cheerio is half-digested and happens to land on your floor, you best let it dry out before trying to pick it up or you'll end up with bile/spit dipped fingernails, and that doesn't look good when you're trying to fingerbang the wifey now does it?
Walking in bare feet is fucking over, until we get a dog. And I'm going to get the british bulldog with the tongue so wide and slobbery that it mops as it vacuums.
I will name him Lou. He will be my life partner. We will go everywhere together. We will get matching tattoos.
2. A sense of humor is needed, afforded to you, and grows inside of you like a cock in the poopchute.
Before we had kids my wife would make comments about my reacting so quickly to things, and snapping on her or swatting her hands away when she'd try and tickle me. She asked if I would do the same things when we had kids and I kind of resented her for saying such a thing, but I thought about it.
Would I swat a 6 month old baby's hand away if it touched a no-touch-tickle-zone?
Would I get pissed at a 2 year old for dropping a cup of milk on a carpet?
Would I get angry if while holding two babies after their bottles I get puked on on my chest hair and then as I open my mouth to yell "GRODY!" the other one pukes in my open mouth?
The answer to all of those before the fact is, I don't fucking know, but I fucking hope not.
The answer to all of those now after the fact is, parenthood affords you a sense of patience that is almost identical to a sense of humor because what the fuck, are you an asshole enough to actually use terms like "blame" and "fault" on a kid who can't even jack off yet? Asshole ass motherfucker ain'ts yous!
1. Parenthood allows parents to have so much erotic sexual intercourse it's fucking almost sex-overload.
We have sex so much that my balls hurt from trying to keep up with the spurtspurt manbatter production. And anyone who knows me, knows my balls are fucking huuuuuuuuuuge, so it's quite the operation goin' on down thrrr.
For every shitty diaper, we have passionate sex.
For every puke that ends up in a patch of body hair, we have passionate, tie me up and pour hot candle wax on my bite marks sex.
For every time daycare calls and says one or three of my children has shat up his or her back into his or her ears, we whip out the whips and fuck like college students on liquid G in a blacklit room covered in pink floyd posters.
Yes, it's a glamorous, armous life that parents lead.
It's a shame more people don't have kids, they could be having all the sex too.
I'm lying.
Sex has turned into a game. We try to get it in as much as we can, but that means not having a baby sleeping with us, a nearly-3 year old running into the room complaining about having to go potty, or one or both of us wanting to get out of the house for a break from it. Sure we could bone in the garage, but that's where we hang the carcasses.