I'm Hungry...and Feel Like Doing Something Stupid - Aries to Aries

Once again, I am honored to be joined by fellow Aries Amy Brooks. Let the dynamic and quick witted/foolhardy and daredevil conversation begin.

I want your 3 best Time Saving Acronyms (T.S.A.'s) and I want them N.O.W. (Needs Ornery Women).

You're such an ASS (Astoundingly Sexy Stud).

And you are the world's biggest SLUT (She Loves Unconditionally Tampon).

Sorry, my dude vocab can only conjure but so many words when thinking of the ladies.

So what have you been up to? Failed any drug tests lately?

OMG! i was JK-ing! BFF!

What have I been up to? Thinking of stupid acronyms alllllllll day.

Speaking of acronyms and drugs, I recently found out that kids these days call LSD just "L". So this is what it's come to. We're shortening an already short 3-letter acronym to just one letter. It almost makes me want to LOL, but I'm more of a "haha" kind of girl. Except when something is REALLY funny. Then I might do the ol' LOLLLOOOOLLLLLLOLLLLL, which is kind of like an acronym on "L".

While they may be used for good, someone like you, Cole, has got to be extra careful with your usage. For example, you can stroll up late somewhere and when everyone's all "WTF!?", you can say, "Sorry, I'm on CP time." Then they'll all call you an FR (Fuckin' Racist), not realizing CP was simply referring to your initials (Cole Policy)

shit can get dangerous.

Or deceptive. I mean, let's be real. Who here didn't join FB assuming it meant "a place for Fuck Buddies" (except for me. I originally signed up expecting it was a site of Future Boyfrien...I mean a site with pictures of Fuzzy Bunnies).

Honestly, half the time I find myself having to ask other people what some of these letter-words mean. I got sick of that and felt stupid not being UTD (Up To Date) on the AL (Acronym Lingo) so now when I don't know, I just go ahead and make something up. Like this whole SMH thing people are using? That obviously means Smackin' My Ho, right?

So what are your faves? Aside from ESPN, I'm assuming it's DTF (Down To F...reestyle, obviously).

OMG! New t-shirt idea!

"I'm DTF" on the front; "Down To Freestyle" on the back.

You're welcome. You can make the check payable to WSG (World's Smartest Genius).

You know, thinking about it, I'm not sure if "SYFFAL" will really appreciate us mocking acronyms....

I like ROTFLMAO, but not because it is a shorter way to say whatever the hell it is meant to say. This particular wakronym reflects our generation's addiction to irony for irony's sake, and that's the greatest irony of all.

I get it: something was so funny it forced you into a physically absurd reaction. The point of an acronym is abbreviation. I could read and annotate "War & Peace" in the time it takes you to type ROTFLMAO on g-chat. Just say LOL like a fucking adult.

Now comes the hard part of any (virtual and sarcastically intense) relationship: Amy, there is a chasm forming between us and I need to address it. I went back and re-read our first delusional dalliance. While it was groundbreaking, we have already covered the art of the acronym and the gulf of gab between genders. In true Aries fashion, I initiated the talking points but am now bored with rehashing the same stuff and blame you for my disinterest. Entertain me with a new direction and/or meaning for existence.

Woah. Okay, first of all, screw you for using the word "chasm" and making me have to google it.

However, I do like your sneaky little way of putting our previous column in there for reviewing pleasure.

But damnit, what do you want from me! I told you I wasn't sure if I could handle the pressure and here you are pressurizing me (woah, pressurizing is an actual word...it gives me the red death squiggle for "woah", but apparently pressurizing is legit. But I digress. IT'S WHAT I DO).

So what do you want to talk about? Breaking Bad? Google+ Invites? HOW ABOUT THIS WEATHER, HUH? I'm too awkward to initiate conversation that isn't laced with genericisms (FYI - genericisms gets the red squiggle) and I'm not about to spill some personal shit about crazy ex-boyfriends contacting me.

You want me to talk about how I've worked 26 hours and haven't eaten in the past 2 days? Or how I have 2 weeks to find a place to intern in order to finish my Masters otherwise I have to push it back another semester and ruin my life plans? Or perhaps about how I'm receiving all this pressure from some dude to entertain him? I'm stressed, man. I would ask you about helpful stress management tips, but I'm of the rare hugs-not-drugs variety (Hi Mom!).

My friends often tell me I know a lot of big words but say pretty much the same three things over and over: do this for me, do that for me, and don't expect anything in return. Now you know what I want from you.

The Season 4 premier of "Breaking Bad" exceeded my meth-induced high expectations. Google+ is yet another rest stop on the digital road to destruction that is social networking. I am far too hairy and emotionally hypobulic for the inhuman humidity that causes hyperhidrosis among the inhabitants of my hide. Your ex-boyfriends have no place in a conversation with someone as obviously insecure awesome as this guy. I am sympathetic to your laborer's plight and malnourishment, but don't want this piece to get overtly political lest the audience begin calling us socialist commie capitalists while demanding health insurance.

I want to know what you think of the Rupert Murdoch scandal, specifically: if you could hack one famous person's email, who would it be and why?

Okay, first of all, screw you for asking about current events and making me have to google it.

As far as whatever is going on with that whole thing, my thoughts are pretty much the same as my thoughts on everything else: is this directly interfering with me at this exact moment? No? Then I don't give a shit. You feel me, Aries brethren?

But your question didn't ask too much about the actual issue itself, so I'll just play along like I know all about it and I would have some insightful response but I'm not going to give it because you didn't ask for it. Thankfully you turned your attention to what's really important - the lives of celebs! Woo!

So I thought long and hard about this because most people classified as celebs, I don't give a shit about (re: explanation above about my thoughts on everything). Nothing in their cushy little lives would surprise me that isn't already plastered everywhere. So I think I've got to give it to some sort of quiet celeb like Tom Hanks or something because, I mean, what IS that guy up to?? He's famous enough, he's got money, but yet he manages to stay out of the limelight when it comes to personal info. Obviously, this guy is going to great lengths to keep his shit private, which means he MUST be up to something. So you know he'd shell out a fortune to keep it that way. I'm on to you, Tommy.

Now I will ask you who you would choose. Like a real conversation!

Oh, I feel you on the Aries-hand side my sister.

Although exposing the heretofore unseen dark side of someone as idyllic as Mr. Hanks does have its appeal, I would not choose a celebrity. I think all of their issues can be classified into the same boring categories of excess, manifested compulsions, and chemical dependency.

I want access to Stephen Hawking's emails. That guy can synthesize the entire universe into a few paragraphs, so I imagine his emails about who to draft for fantasy football would be pretty damn insightful.

Speaking of which, will you be playing fantasy football this year if there is a NFL season? Someone has to wear a Seahawks jersey to their draft, and that someone might as well be you.

You make a good point because Lord knows after last year's debacle, you need all the draft help you can get.

I'm planning on dominating I mean playing again. Okay, so I don't really dominate, but last year I came second...which is odd because usually in my fantasies, I ALWAYS come first....

(I know, I know, I've used that joke before but c'mon, it's funny. And true).

As far as the Seahawks, I'll sport the jersey, but I've got to get a different one to represent my other West Coast love. Chargers 4 life, yo. Or Chargers 4 until I get bored and decide to chuck it all and buy the skimpy Jets low-cut V-neck t-shirt covered in hearts from Victoria's Secret. Yest, this is a real thing. As real as amyotropic lateral sclerosis (Hawking will confirm that for you in his emails).

I've been playing in an all-chicks league with some co-workers, so my trash-talking really doesn't carry much weight. So I think it's time I step it up and join the big boys. Or at least the big boys that play with little wallets. I'm broke.

Oh, the pain I have endured at the merciless hands of the Fantasy Football Gods. I’m lucky to come at all.

We began this conversation before the NFL owners and players finally agreed to meet in the middle of their $9 billion pie. I can only hope that one day in the near future, Aries2Aries makes us both so much money that we make a public spectacle of our insatiable greed while wearing poorly tailored suits.

Until then, stay hungry and keep doing stupid shit.