Wild

This band Wild bug the fuck out of me.

For a few reasons. 

First and foremost, why is this shit being sent to SYFFAL? This is the most obvious Top 40 perfection I've ever fucking heard, there should be no "grassroots PR campaign" by the three members of this fucking band. There should be no "hey will you listen to my album?". These assholes should be wearing free clothing from Kohl's as of YESTERDAY. These assholes should be signing the trapper keepers of every kid attending their JC Penny clothing line release party spectactular that includes free popcorn and buy one get two thin bedazzled belts.

The sound of Wild is so EXACTLY what the radio is going to swallow whole that I'm surprised as shit we were even considered as a recipient of such blatantly perfect radio fodder.

Two, every damn time I turn the fucking album on I'm certain I've heard it before, years ago. Are these shitstains plagarizing or are they just fucking brilliantly combining every style, strum, and female sung lilted whimper on the radio today? Are these original songs or fucking covers? Why am I so pissed off? 

Three, there's no fucking way this band has only SEVEN followers on soundcloud. I mean, have you HEARD these pooflingers? They're fucking murdering shit and NO ONE NOTICES? WHAT IS THIS? THE INTERNET?

Wild sound like the perfect marriage of The Lumineers, Of Monsters and Men, and Naked and Famous, it's fucking infuriating. 

There's the acoustic strum of a 12 string or a fucking Ovation guitar (Quick aside: fuck Ovation guitars btw. Who designed those round plastic backed pieces of shit? Obama? The next time I see one I'm pissing in the hole before it hits the ground from slipping off someone else's fucking lap. Asshole ass guitars.), the three part harmony that can only be sung by kids too young to actually know any heartbreak besides those expressed best in emojis and acronyms like LOL and WTF, the yell-in-unison singing that the kids who wear tan leather boots year round love so much, and fucking shit, the song writing is rife with homecomings and love gone wrong.

Yea, you read that right. Homecomings. These assholes are 15 or 12 years old and are writing songs about needing to come home after a lengthy stay out on the road bro. BROS, YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN YOUR JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH FUCKING SCHOOL. YOU AIN'T LEFT THE FUCKIN ZIP CODE LET ALONE GONE SO FAR YOU NEED TO SING A SONG ABOUT MISSIN THE CRIB! I've been on tours longer than I should have and even I didn't write songs about a home that's missed so much it would have a song as beautiful as Wild sing songs about home like Wild sings songs about home. Do these assholes live in Dawson's fucking Creek? IS THEIR LIFE JUST ONE LONG EPISODE OF SOME TEEN DRAMA ON THE WB?!!??!

So let me break this down for you. This fucking band Wild have about 8 immediate Top 40 hit singles on this shit, it will annoy you, but you will fucking eat it up; whether publicly or in the privacy of your room, as you thumb through your yearbook crushing on Johnny from Mrs. Lattimer's Civics class who used to send you notes that made your loins quake when you didn't know you even had quakeable loins. (And yes young people, your sexuality is your own, so for fuck's sake, masturbate before you become afraid of your genitals and one day you end up pregnant and even more afraid of how awesome your genitals can be if you learn about them and don't let everyone and their cousin see, touch and taste them.)

If I could shun a band for the rest of my life for being exactly what the music business needed to take advantage of right now, I would. But since these assholes sent us the album, I almost feel brotective over them. Like, guys, you people in Wild, don't say yes to everything. Say no for a bit. You have the fucking music industry by the short and curlies (THAT MEANS PUBIC HAIR, YOU'LL GET SOME SOON, AND THEN EVEN MORE LATER) with this album. It's fucking perfect. 

Well, wait, it's not perfect. There's a song called "Roots" that is seriously the worst fucking song I've heard in SECONDS (we get over a hundred submissions a day at SYFFAL, but this song is SHIT).

The delicate female vocals, the emotion ya'll have injected into your songs, the fact that I FUCKING KNOW ya'll are wearing beads on fringed leather on your person right now and possibly flowers in your fucking hair (bros too bro), you've done it. You've crafted a near perfect album with music that pulls at the heart strings, makes me want to root for you, and it also makes me want to subscribe to whatever long distance carrier or life insurance company picks up some of your songs for their commercials. Seriously, if you played "Bonnie and Clyde" and told me you would charge me 88% more than my current ______ company, I'd be all "YES! TAKE MY MONEY! BUT JUST LET ME HUM WITH YOU WHEN I OVERPAY TO SEE YOU IN CONCERT!". I don't care that you're raping me, just make me want to hug myself and look off longingly into the distance at all of my potential.

Speaking of potential, Wild has all of it. They should be crowned kings and queens of the musics immediately, because if they aren't so centered on your radar, you're going to be pissed when they start showing up on television shows and movie soundtracks and you weren't up on them before everybody under 13 was.

I'm telling you this now so you'll have fair warning: Wild will be bigger than all of the assholes in The Lumineers and Of Monsters and Men, and you'll HATE THEM for it, but you won't be able to shit on their ability and capacity to write amazingly perfect songs that are screaming for prime time air play and nationally syndicated housewares commercials. 

Speaking of which, does anyone know how to get blood stains out of chiffon?