Coldplay

"You know how I know you're gay? Because you like Coldplay."

...Thanks a lot Judd Apatow. 

I know it's super easy to hate popular shit forced on us. I'm guilty of it too. Fuck Justin Bieber. (Seriously though, I can't understand how anybody can enjoy that 'What Do You Mean' song) And while The Biebs may be the king of irrational hate. Coldplay is in the second tier. And before I even heard their new (and believed to be last album) A Head Full Of Dreams I already made up my mind that I was going to review it in a positive light after seeing Stereogum's Facebook post: "The new Coldplay album fucking sucks.....here's our review."

Why so much hate Stereogum? It "FUCKING" sucks?

I'm going to give you a stat that I just pulled out of my ass. And it's true because I perceive it to be true. If Trump can do this shit...so can I. 

• 76% of the people who hate Coldplay were jamming the fuck out to 'Yellow' (and eventually Parachutes) 15 years ago. 
• Of that 76%, 69% stopped admitting they jammed the fuck out to 'Yellow' 13 years ago. 
• Of the 24% that always hated Coldplay, 23% take themselves too seriously. But congrats on sticking to your guns. Hating Coldplay in 2000 puts you in the same group of elite snobbery as the assholes who liked Animal Collective before Animal Collective liked Animal Collective. 

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. 

Why does it seem like in today's society that it is more enjoyable to have negative outrage than to love something? Why can't we come across a piece of music we don't like and move on? Why must we make our negative stance known, dig our heels in the sand, and challenge altering opinions snideness and sarcasm? 

People, it's more fun to love. And it's even more fun to outrageously love. It's a revelation that I'm working on myself. (Fucking Biebs!)

Now, I'm not saying that you must like Coldplay, but you must admit that they do get get unnecessarily shat on. And the masses who are doing the shitting would never in a million years be able to write and produce a song better than Coldplay. Is it jealousy? I don't know. Is it blindly following the masses that ironically hates them for having a mass following? Probably. 

......but here is the thing. Coldplay has remained remarkably consistent all these years. The same serenely uplifting formula that produced 'Yellow' and 'Shiver' and 'The Scientist' and 'Fix You' and I could go on and on....is still there. That same spark that encourages me to horribly harmonize with Chris Martin's falsetto in the shower or think of my wife every time 'Green Eyes' pops up on shuffle....is still there. What made Coldplay good 17 years ago IS STILL HAPPENING. 

...oh, and the new album? It's fucking ballz. It makes me feel good. It makes me happy. I want to pull down my pants, throw my arms up to the sky and have Joel snap chat my excitement to Chris Martin. 

I LOVE COLDPLAY!!!

IF THIS IS THE LAST ALBUM, I WILL MISS COLDPLAY!!!

THANK YOU COLDPLAY!!!