Lord Newborn & The Magic Skulls - Lord Newborn & The Magic Skulls - Album Review

By: Joel Frieders

I've sat on this since a nameless friend from a message board I've loved for years posted it a few months ago. I think my family has eaten dinner to this album more times that I can count. I've used it to get me going, I've used it to slow me down, and I've used it to get some stank on my hanglow.

Yes, Lord Newborn & The Magic Skulls have allowed me to comfortably and sensually engage in the sex, so not only should you imagine me penetrating le tang, you should picture me penetrating le tang while wifey goes "DAMN YOUR TASTE IN LE SEXSOUNDTRACK MAKES ME WANT TO DO THIS ALL THE LE TIME".

Sorry, wifey gets Frenchy when we make le sex with an awesome soundtrack on the hi fi.

The guitar tone on this album alone is enough for me to tout it as one of the best things I've ever listened to a shit load of times. But it's fucking Tommy Guerrero, of course it's fucking delicious. I could listen to Tommy G. while someone was plucking out every single one of my lower back hairs with a piranha and I would still say "Damn that boy good". And even if that's all there was here I'd be tucking myself into my waistband it's so fucking awesome. But there's more.

I have no idea how else to describe this to you but in ways I can say with absolute certainty. The drums are porn. The keys are porn. The horns are porn (phorns). The whole fucking thing screams porn, but classy porn, like they keep their heels on and the guy has a mustache that makes you question your own sexuality because it looks so Burt Reynolds in Deliverance (before the you know what happens-Deliverance Burt Reynolds, not after the you know what happens in-Deliverance Burt Reynolds).

This is the crystal decanter filled with a woodsy single malt of instrumental albums, and it's become my go-to sexin' record. Both melodic and haunting, it's dripping with the lower back sweat of my own sexuality. Lord Newborn & The Magic Skulls, while it seems they are a rag tag group of musicians I already respect, they've found a permanent role in my love drawer, where they both excite my loins to full mast and give me that peaceful exhale as we enjoy a post-coitus filtered cigarette.

There is nothing sexier than nodding your head to the rhythm as you pound bottom from the back, matching your strides with the awesome in your ears with the awesome rear in front of you. I urge you to take your time working up to tracks like L.I.V.E. or Disco Loco, as there is nothing "loco" about a quad cramp while you're driving home the bangpillar all up in the brown eye, you feel me?

If anyone needs any further mental pictures of me sticking the dank wank stick down the jack fappit hole, just remember, I have ass acne and like to wear a paper diner cook's hat.

And if none of the above made any sense to you, or you're Catholic (read: afraid of your own sexuality), Lord Newborn & The Magic Skulls and their self titled album sounds like a futuristic Budos Band, but with way more bloops, blorps, insane vocal samples and electronic drums that make me want to make the sex.

Like, sex with candles that smell like sex and shit yo. Maaaaad budussy and shit yo.