Chet Faker

Before you even throw Thinking In Textures, the sensually delicious album by Chet Faker, I suggest you pack a change of clothes and make sure the furniture is covered in plastic; because by album's end bodily fluid and lube is gonna be EVERYWHERE.

Chet Faker is a dude with a killer beard, smooth, smokey and understated pipes, and a knack for making the kind of music that makes one's loins boil over with giddiness and pride. It is darkly erotic in the same way The Weeknd is, but more organic in nature. It's the type of music that lets the ladies know you trim down there for your benefit, and theirs, and lets the fellas know not to ask you to drive their lady friend to the airport; unless they're into their gal pal having dirty rest stop sex with the modern American frontiersman.

Thinking In Textures is filled with jam after jam of love that is doomed from the start, but god damn the pieces fit in a way that makes you understand why Steven Tyler dresses the way he does. So who cares if we hurt each other non-stop when we are dressed, let's try to Fuck our way to the other side.

I'm Into You is a big and tasty jam that sounds like Illadelphhalflife era The Roots signed on as the backing band for Diary of a Mad Band era Jodeci; lots of shirts opened to the navel, cameos from Ma$e and champagne in the hot tub going down here.

Terms and Conditions sounds a lot like I imagine Hall and Oates would have sounded if they were British, from the early 90s and had their lyrics written by Prince. It is slow and rubs your crotch under the table with those perfectly manicured toes to let you know that cab sex is definitely in the cards.

Solo Sunrise sounds like what I imagine being Bradley Cooper feels like. All confident, good looking and let's not forget about that hair - TO fucking DIE FOR!

I had to pull No Diggity off my version of the album because while it was cute as a novelty song and YouTube sensation, it really killed the vibe, lyrically it just didn't stand up. It was like getting a call from your grandmother in the middle of a nice erotic massage sesh; straight up boner killer.

Love and Feeling brings the wood back. It is masterful and playful. Full of slow drags and a lot of just the tip. The bass dragging into drum claps helps build towards the ultimate release and then the masterful chorus brings it back just a bit before turning out the lights and inviting the pets in the room.

Chet changes everything up with Cigarettes and Coffee. It sounds like a jam written for Kelly Clarkson, and I'm talking chubby, something to prove, Kelly Clarkson which everyone knows is the best and most erotic version of Kelly Clarkson. She would totes yank it OFF.

Everything I Wanted sounds like Chet called Questlove and The Roots back in to assess the damage and it's bad. There is a hole in the roof that is allowing the rain to pour into the living room, ruining the carpet. There is a baby duck swimming around in the sauce pan that has been soaking in the sink for the whole weekend and 3 or 4 Malaysian livery cab drivers smoking Salvia out of a hooka in your father's den. He is gonna be so pissed, it takes weeks to get rid of the smell of Malaysians.

Thinking In Textures is an exciting introduction to an artist that knows how to manipulate the mood and where to get the best designer drugs. I am super excited to hear more from Chet Faker in the coming months.

Now excuse me while I try to get Dang Sop and his scummy livery cab friends out of the house before my parents get home.