Break Out Band of 2012: Alabama Shakes
Break Out Rapper of 2012: Big Texas. Bigger than Alaska in ego, but not stature.
Next Big Genre of 2012: Dub-horror. Guaranteed to make you seize and/or shoot your self in the through the ear hole with a shot gun.
Hipster Backlash of 2012: After being committed to 3 counts of douchebaggery, Pitchfork will shutdown. Hipsters will not know which 'best new music' is best and this result in a huge migration back to Rollingstone magazine. Look for U2 and Bruce Springstein to be trending everyday on Twitter.
Wildcard Prediction for 2012: Chicago Cubs will win the World Series. How's that for WILDCARD???
Break Out Band of 2012: OFWGKTA teams up with Rivers Cuomo in what is the next most embarrassing musical excrement to come from the Weezer front man. The number one single tops charts for nine months straight and is played several dozen times daily on 76% of radio stations.
Break Out Rapper of 2012: One of Kanye West's countless illegitimate children from overseas learns enough english to begin rap career. Baby momma demands that junior get studio time and promotion in lieu of child support payments.
Next Big Genre of 2012: Ska has yet another resurgence and somehow manages to obtain a new audience by integrating elements of dubstep into the genre.
Hipster Backlash of 2012: Seeing as how fixed gear bicycles are now easily obtainable in corporate mammoth stores like Wal Mart, vintage roller skates become the quasi-ironic transportation method of choice for trend-following urbanites.
Wildcard Prediction for 2012: Mythbusters accidentally uncover the horrid truth that Obama is indeed a Kenyan prince. High fructose corn syrup deemed the root cause of all modern disease. People still haven't figured out a legitimate use case for an iPad.
Break Out Band of 2012: White Arrows
Break Out Rapper of 2012: Following in the footsteps of Community's Donald Glover, Parks and Rec's Aziz Ansari drops his GOOD Music debut: I IZ SARI
Next Big Genre of 2012: Doom Wop. Darkwave meets Doo Wop.
Hipster Backlash of 2012: Since she is hostinh SNL in January after only releasing three songs I'm going to say Lana Del Rey.
Wildcard Prediction for 2012: Spotify becomes self aware
Break Out Band of 2012: Who Cares, out of Sacramento. Saw them at this stupid underground show and couldn't take my fucking eyes off them. Rapping, musics, and like violins and shit. Plus I'm pretty sure they either have a midget piano player, or it might be that dick from isanyoneup?
Break Out Rapper of 2012: EQ/Equalknox/Chubbie Cox - if this cat out of Northeast Los Angeles can do a few things there'd be no stopping him: marry his production and his writing ('til now he's been some kind of monk about separation of church and state and I told him he's dumbFucks for that! Maybe he listened already I don't know.), stop grubbing forearm-sized burritos like a bag of Cheetos (seriously it's time kid!), and not die of carcinogen poisoning (OK, dude's studio has been dubbed the Ashtray of LA, and it's honestly covered by a layer of molding leftovers in discarded styrofoam containers, rank old beer cans, and a layer of cigarette butts a foot thick.).
Next Big Genre of 2012: In a chance encounter between Serengeti, Open Mike Eagle, and George Michael doing cocaine off Englebert Humberdink's erect penis, Easy Listening Hip Hop was birthed with mellow, talkish-style raps over the smoothest saxophone solos ever sampled. Or has that already been invented and played-out already? I can't keep track anymore.
Hipster Backlash of 2012: Stella Artois and Pabst will change places in the hipster beer echelon, and chicks are going to start shaving the middle of their heads and rock big Jew sideburns instead, and size-50 waste, rainbow colorful jeans will make a come back and all the suburban wannabes will come in droves to Melrose Ave. again, obscure bands will be deemed soooo last yesterday and all the kids will start listening to Lady GaGa because it'll be hip to be popular and GaGa's resurgent fame will propel her to be the first lesbian president.
Wildcard Prediction for 2012: Destruction, terror, mother fucker say what!!! Los Angeles is so overdue! I'll go ahead and give the Big One to my whole beloved city. So from under the rubble, Happy New Year bitches! Now come dig me out!!!
Break Out Band of 2012: PK - I don't know shit about em besides the fact I want to tousle each of their scruffy headsies! THEY'RE JUST ADORABLES!
Break Out Rapper of 2012: Milo - This kid is fucking talent on a stick. Every time I put his mixtape on I can see him silent/disinterested rapping his way onto the next Serengeti, Busdriver or Sole album, and shitTING ALL OVER EVERYONE ELSE WHILE SEATED. High hopes for that taut manshank.
Next Big Genre of 2012: Whisper beat box throat sung old time country. shit will bend genres, and sexual mores.
Hipster Backlash of 2012: Everyone will hate that everyone has access to everything and bands will start releasing albums on parchment paper, so after one listen, you'll either have to preserve it on video or use it to cap your strawberry preserves.
Wildcard Prediction for 2012: I'm hoping that SYFFAL gets a few female correspondents who are totally cool with ending every review with a tit pic or a request for a picture of one of my cocks. I have severalz.
Break Out Band of 2012: Dear Lions. I know. I suck these guys off every chance I get, but I think they make a dream brand of music and every time I hear it I want to punch Joel in his neck beard. That has to count for something right?
Break Out Rapper of 2012: Mr. MuthaFuckin eXquire. Sure he has a bit of a buzz now, but I think its only gonna get bigger. People want some good hard core rap music that isn't about wanting to slit your own wrists and go to therapy. This dude delivers raw raps and is engaging as shit.
Next Big Genre of 2012: Hip Hop is going to make a big comeback and so are raves kids.
Hipster Backlash of 2012: Hipsters will continue to turn on themselves failing to grasp the irony that the people who most adamently shit on hipsters are in fact hipster swine themselves.
Wildcard Prediction for 2012: Americans get a sense of dignity again. A man can dream right?